When people (or, more commonly, list article intros) talk about "life imitating art," they usually mean stuff like Jules Verne predicting man would walk on the moon or Gene Roddenberry doing all the work for Apple's designers 40 years ahead of time. You never hear about life imitating some crappy B-movie with a stupid plot, but it totally does -- sometimes, even God gets bored and browses the less-visited corners of Netflix, just like everyone else.
It's now time to reconsider every ridiculously improbable thing you've ever seen in a movie, because it's starting to look more and more likely that it will happen for real. Just like ...
#7. Birds Invade a Small Town, Cops Fight Them Off With Flare Guns
Gary Chittim / King 5 News
"Birds getting tired of our shit and attacking people at random" has somehow been the premise of at least four separate movies of rapidly decreasing quality (The Birds, Birdemic, and their respective pointless sequels). Usually, these films feature big, menacing black birds all over the place, flocking together by the thousands and generally being a huge nuisance. Then the humans get sick of them and start shooting flare guns filled with fireworks into the sky to scare them away ...
Wait, no, that last one didn't happen in the movies -- it's going on right now in a small Washington town.
Mason Trinca / Yakima Herald-Republic
"Oh, shit! That's a much better ending!" -Hitchcock's ghost
Every night at sundown in Sunnyside, Washington (not a Joss Whedon creation), thousands of crows who feed at nearby cow farms land to hang out in the city until dawn. They may not be killing people (yet), but they sure are making noise and shitting all over the place.
Gary Chittim / King 5 News
"That ain't snow." -actual line from the news report
But unlike The Birds, this time the humans are fighting back. After trying various methods to get the birds to stop shitting up their town and leave, local police have turned to an unusually badass solution: loading flare guns with improvised firework rounds and firing them at the crows to scare them away.
We've told you before that crows are smart as hell, so the fireworks have only had a moderate effect so far, but these "bird bombs" look precisely as hilarious as they sound, so we're of the opinion that they should keep doing it anyway.
Jackie DelPilar / KIMA-TV
Almost as hilarious: Somebody got paid to write "crow away."
#6. Skimpily Dressed Women Seduce Guards, Spike Drinks, Release Prisoners
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Let's say you're a prison guard and a pair of scantily clad women in "sexy cop" outfits show up at your workplace and start attempting to seduce you. What do you think is going to happen if you give in?
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They fix the cable?
If you've ever seen any movie in your life, up to and including X-Men 2, you know exactly what comes next: You wake up naked and handcuffed the next morning because those women drugged the whiskey shots you were all drinking and probably let out the metal-controlling mutant you were keeping in a plastic cell.
Unfortunately, it looks like the prison guards in a state prison in Mato Grosso, Brazil, had never seen any of those movies, because according to CNN, they totally went along with it and ended up naked, handcuffed, and drugged. Either random nymphomaniacs with prison-guard fetishes are more common than usual in Brazil, or these guys just didn't give a shit and figured that the chance of feeling up a boob was worth losing their jobs and getting arrested.
Rede Record de Televisao
Rede Record de Televisao
"I told you those weren't regulation uniforms."
The identity of the women who pulled off the dastardly, daring scheme is unknown, although one of them was apparently the girlfriend of an inmate -- presumably one of the 28 that broke out of the prison, taking shotguns, handguns, and ammunition with them, while the guards were still in their boner-induced stupor. Some of the inmates were recaptured within a few days, and hopefully they were put back under officers trained to deal with ruses more complex than the ones shown in a Bugs Bunny cartoon.
#5. Driver Throws Random Junk at Pursuing Police (Including a Fridge)
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A popular trope that comes up in cartoons, slapstick comedies, and the occasional slasher flick is the one where you throw junk at your pursuer to slow them down -- usually starting with a simple item like your shoe and ending with something completely unfeasible like, say, a fridge.
It seems too ridiculous to actually work, but tell that to tractor-trailer driver Christopher Charles Boyer, who, in a scene straight out of Smokey and the Bandit, led police on a 34-mile chase through Pennsylvania, where he threw everything but the kitchen sink out the window at them.
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"It's a nice kitchen sink."
According to police, Boyer called them at around 2 a.m. to let them know he was planning to "wreck" his truck on Route 70. When they sent some officers to stop him and maybe ask him to explain what the hell he meant by that, Boyer declined and threw everything from his shoes and socks up to a mini-fridge into the roadway in an attempt to slow them down. In one instance, it actually worked. An unidentified metal canister thrown by Boyer actually struck and disabled a state police cruiser. Since this guy clearly operates by Hollywood rules, we're assuming the cruiser exploded for no reason.
Shockingly, instead of being a smooth, charming outlaw played by Burt Reynolds, Boyer turned out to be just a regular dude that was suspected to be on a shitload of drugs. He also refused to exit his vehicle after it was stopped with spike strips and was found with cut and bloody feet, since he was apparently also channeling John McClane. (And then the police totally tazed him and took him to jail.)
#4. A Teenage Kid Poses as a Gynecologist for a Whole Month Before Anyone Notices
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For those too young to remember the TV series Doogie Howser, M.D.: It's basically a House prequel starring Neil Patrick Harris as a genius kid who is also a fully licensed doctor. That is exactly what happened in West Palm Beach, Florida ... except for the "fully licensed" part. And also the part where Harris' character did more than just stand around looking at vaginas. OK, maybe "exactly" isn't the right word.
Staff at St. Mary's Medical Center say it took a month for anyone to realize that the fresh-faced guy going around with a white lab coat and stethoscope was actually just a kid pretending to be a doctor, like Leonardo DiCaprio in Catch Me if You Can. Also like Leo, his main method for getting away with it for so long apparently consisted of simply using the right words -- in this case, "I'm a doctor."
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Having the handwriting of a 10-year-old probably helped too.
According to the hospital, the teen wasn't allowed near any patients or patient files, but at least one doctor, an OB/GYN, says that the young man was in the room while he was with a patient. So if he was near a patient, presumably he was near all of that patient, if you catch our drift. The teen was finally busted after the patient expressed concerns over someone who "appeared to be a child" being present during the exam, which is highly irregular unless we're talking about a fetus.
Keith Brofsky/Photodisc/Getty Images
"Nurse, put in an urgent call for donors. This man's wee-wee has gone missing."
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