If you expect to make the big time in the music biz, the only absolute requirement is raw musical talent. Haha, no -- that can totally be faked. What you really need, however, is a gimmick. Flavor Flav has his huge clocks, John Lennon had his trademark spectacles, each member of Nickelback is actually two shaved monkeys standing on top of each other in wigs and torn jeans, and so on.
But while we tend to think of these things as carefully crafted pieces of the jigsaw puzzle that is a superstar's public image, the fact of the matter is that sometimes an iconic trademark came about less by design and more by necessity. For example ...
#7. Slash's Top Hat And Hair Is To Ward Off Stage Fright
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Slash's style hasn't really changed much in the last 30 years, because why the fuck would you change perfection? Just one look at the leather pants, curtain of curly hair, sunglasses, top hat, and positively perilous cigarette, and you know you're about to have your eardrums punctured and made sweet, sweet love to by a vintage Les Paul.
But have you ever noticed how Slash's signature look comes with the added benefit of completely covering his face? Hell, for the first three years of Guns N' Roses' existence, no one was really sure if Slash was human or some kind of sentient Chia Pet.
George De Sota/Hulton Archive/Getty Images
You water it with heroin to make it grow.
And It's Actually Because:
Even though he grew up around famous people (his mother was a costume designer), Slash was surprisingly anxious about appearing in front of a crowd. That's obviously a pretty monumental hurdle for anyone who aspires to have "Rock God" printed on his business cards, so Slash needed a way to get past this crippling anxiety. And that's where the top hat comes in.
The reason you rarely see Slash without the hat is because it's his way of blocking out his stage fright. Whenever you see him onstage with the hat down low and his bushy coiffure covering the part of his face that the hat can't manage, odds are he's not doing it to look cool -- he's doing it so he doesn't have to see you. (Yes, you specifically.)
Mark Metcalfe/Getty Images Entertainment/Getty Images
"For all I know, you're Axl. So, just in case, fuck you."
It wasn't always the top hat. Slash sampled other styles early in his career before finding -- and stealing -- the top hat one fateful night in 1985. His "hide beneath the hat" method probably also came in handy for not having to see his mom naked with David Bowie again.
Dewars
Who knew that Paradise City and Suffragette City had the same mayor?
And speaking of David Bowie's body parts ...
#6. David Bowie's Crazy Eyes Are The Result Of A Punch To The Face
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David Bowie has never stuck to one particular style for very long. One day he's a glam rocker, the next he's in a suit and tie, occasionally he's something called a "Ziggy Stardust," and still other times he's giving your childhood self pants-induced nightmares. But throughout each and every image transmogrification, there's one thing that remains (somewhat disturbingly) constant: those crazy-ass eyes.
Columbia Records
One burns through your skull while the other inappropriately diddles your mom.
Commonly confused with heterochromia (a condition in which a person's eyes are two different colors), Bowie's eyes are actually both the very same mesmerizing shade of blue. They only appear different because one of his pupils is perpetually stuck in "No, officer, I haven't been smoking anything. Why do you ask?" mode.
And It's Actually Because:
It's very much unintentional, and it's all because of a girl ... well, and because Bowie is a bit of a dick.
Tri-Star Pictures
Actually, way more than a bit.
See, while Bowie was hanging out with his friends George Underwood and Peter Frampton (yes, that Peter Frampton) back in high school, George scored a date with a girl that Bowie himself fancied. Taking an "all's fair in love and war" approach to the matter, Bowie told George that the girl was totally planning to stand him up. Every ounce of this story was bullshit, and it resulted in George being the one doing the standing up while the girl spent the entire evening tapping her foot and repeatedly glancing at her watch.
Feeling like a complete tool upon finding out, George went to confront Bowie, only to find him bragging about stealing George's girl. George hauled off and delivered a haymaker that would make Muhammad Ali nod in quiet admiration, granting Bowie a personal tour of the emergency room along with a permanently paralyzed left pupil.
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The Laughing Gnome laughs only at him.
Things ended well enough, however: George and Bowie made up, and Bowie considers the look a blessing in disguise. George even went on to design some of Bowie's most iconic album covers, possibly because Bowie's gimpy eye couldn't focus well enough for him to do it himself.
#5. Michael Jackson's Glove Was To Hide His Skin Condition
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Michael Jackson wasn't exactly a stranger to doing off-the-wall shit. Hell, let's face it -- he's on the leaderboard for most off-the-wall shit done in a single lifetime. Michael brought a monkey as his date to the Grammys. He dangled his child over a fifth-story balcony. And that's just the stuff they happened to catch on camera, if you know what we mean.
If you trace Michael's fountain of everlasting weirdness back to its source, it all started with one ultra-famous fashion accessory: the glove.
Ron Galella/Ron Galella Collection/Getty Images
Because the glove is the weirdest thing going on in this photo.
And It's Actually Because:
Remember when Jackson famously transformed from black to white (if not, it don't matter), and the tabloid-buying masses thought he dyed himself that color because he wanted to look like Diana Ross? Well, he did undergo treatments to lighten his skin, but that was because he suffered from vitiligo, a disease that causes the skin to lose its pigmentation in splotches. The treatments were an attempt to even out his overall skin tone.
Beth A. Keiser/AFP/Getty Images
Coincidentally, making him the exact same color as the glove
from the Hamburger Helper box.
But he didn't do that right away. First, he tried to conceal it ... with a glove. According to actress Cicely Tyson, a close friend of Michael's who was present when the glove was designed, its main purpose was to cover up the white blotches that had developed on his right hand. And when you think about it, that makes a hell of a lot more sense than the Diana Ross theory, seeing as how vitiligo tends to start in the hands and lips. Though you do have to wonder if he ever considered, you know, two gloves.
The next thing you know, we'll discover that Michael once insisted on bringing a llama into a recording studio because their wool provides unprecedented acoustics or some shit. What if ... what if Michael was the sane one, and it's all the rest of us who are weird?
#4. Hank Williams Jr.'s Mountain-Man Look Is Oddly Ironic
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Even if you avoid modern country music like the ear-plague, you'll still know Hank Williams Jr. as the face of Monday Night Football. Well, the former face of Monday Night Football -- sweet promotional deals tend to vanish like Keith Urban's fancy accent when you compare the U.S. president to Hitler on national television.
ESPN
"ARE YOU READY FOR SOME DEATH CAMPS?"
Others know Hank as the son of legendary crooner Hank Williams and as an iconic singer in his own right, with over 70 million records sold (that is, more than Justin Bieber). His face is instantly recognizable, always framed by that flashy hat, a full beard, and sunglasses. He didn't always sport that rockabilly flair, though. Back when his musical style was the more subdued style of his old man, he dressed the part:
Mercury Nashville
... and undressed the ladies with a single chord.
Holy shit, that doesn't even look like the same guy. He didn't just switch up his musical style; he full-on transformed into another person.
And It's Actually Because:
Although the new look did seem to coincide with his new musical style, that wasn't the impetus for the change. During a mountain climbing trip in the mid-'70s, Hank lost his footing and fell 500 feet, landing face-first on a boulder. The impact caused his face to, as People magazine put it, "split open down the middle, hairline to chin as if struck with an axe" or, as Cracked put it, "crack down the center, much like a butt crack, making his face like a butt." Also, holy shit, the man fell 500 feet and landed on his face.
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He hears some wide receiver bragging about playing with a sprained ankle
and just laughs and laughs.
It took years of reconstructive surgery to repair the damage and, since something like that tends to leave a bit of scarring, Hank needed a way to distract from those scars. Thus, he adopted the (conveniently face-covering) look that has become his trademark. On second thought, we take back our smart-ass comment -- a man who can have his face split in half like a T-1000 and live to sing about it is the absolute last man we want to be calling a butt-face.
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