When most of us were kids, the adults never watched a cartoon for more than two seconds: They just glanced at the screen every once in a while and, as long as no one was getting a rimjob, the show was probably OK. Of course, we all know that they were wrong -- when you look at your favorite cartoons through the cynical eye of a grown-up, you see some pretty disturbing shit the writers threw in there:
#7. SpongeBob SquarePants -- Tons Of Suicide Jokes
Nickelodeon
SpongeBob SquarePants has been producing new episodes, movies, and merchandise since 1999, officially becoming the most successful franchise David Hasselhoff has ever been involved in. The secret to its success? Suicide, apparently.
For a show that is ostensibly about the happiest goddamned sea creature ever to exist, SpongeBob relies a little too heavily on suicide humor. We've already covered how they had an entire episode dedicated to Squidward, who is basically Charlie Brown-meets-Eeyore in terms of emotional stability, getting depressed and seemingly trying to kill himself. Here he is, sticking his head in the oven:
Nickelodeon
Nickelodeon
Nickelodeon
Get it? He was just checking on the brownies. Double twist: The brownies are laced with cyanide.
Ah, but all children's cartoons have that one episode full of suicide innuendo, right? Even Mickey Mouse did it. In SpongeBob's case, however, this is more of a running theme -- in another episode, SpongeBob travels in time to the Middle Ages probably just so we can witness a guard trying to find the courage to off himself:
Nickelodeon
Nickelodeon
"But you're not a big chickenshit like me, are you, kids?" *winks at the camera*
And then there's the one where SpongeBob's boss, Mr. Krabs, spends weeks mentally torturing his nemesis, Plankton, until he decides to lie down on the street and wait for a car to run him over. He spends practically the whole last third of the episode there. Krabs' reaction when he finds out is "LOL."
Nickelodeon
"I embrace death with tiny but open arms."
SpongeBob writers just ... really, really like suicide jokes. On second thought, spending 16 years writing the same dumb characters isn't as cool as we thought. If this is a cry for help, SpongeBob writers, reach out. We're here for you.
#6. Pokemon Origins -- Squirtle Goes For Blood
The Pokemon Company
Pokemon has had some out there moments, from Japanese Clint Eastwood waving guns in kids' faces to a teen girl getting shamed by a dude with giant inflatable tits, but it could be much, much worse. Despite the central premise essentially being about electrocuting creatures to unconsciousness, the cartoon has always politely avoided eye contact with the brutality of cockfighting -- the worst injury any Pokemon ever suffered is looking exhausted and sprouting @ signs.
The Pokemon Company
Or Sega Dreamcast eyes.
Well, that changed in Pokemon Origins, the recent miniseries intended to serve as a more faithful adaption of the first Pokemon game ... as played by 4chan, apparently. In the first episode, there's a fight between Squirtle ("Blue Turtle" according to your mom) and Charmander ("Baby Dinosaur with Tail on Fire") that quickly takes a turn for the horrifying:
The Pokemon Company
"SAFE WORD! SAFE WORD!"
Cute little Squirtle pins Charmander down and bites his fucking face, resulting in Charmander letting out a blood-curdling scream while writhing on the ground in agony. His owner, Red, just stands there in shock, like a kid watching two dogs boning for the first time:
The Pokemon Company
"Shit, and I left my camera at home."
The scream goes on for 10 eternal seconds -- Charmander even pauses for breath in the middle. It's so bad that when they dubbed it for America they removed the audio, possibly because there was no way to replicate that scream without hitting the voice actor in the balls with a hammer.
Still, this was to be expected on a grittier, more mature Pokemon series, right? Actually, after this one Mortal Kombat-level fight, the rest of the series goes back to "aw, he got tired" battles. Somebody just decided that for one scene, shit needed to get real.
#5. Transformers (Original Series) -- Bizarre, Random Racism
Hasbro
One of the biggest criticisms against Michael Bay's Transformers is the use of racism disguised as comedy. You could argue that the other flaws -- unrealistic action, convoluted origin story -- are just the result of the animated source material. But the dumb racism? That sort of stuff never happened in the '80s cartoon!
Except for that time the original Transformers traveled to the little known Arab nation of ... "Carbombya." Get it? Because Arabs = terrorism?
Hasbro
Somewhere, there's an Arab cartoon set in the American state of "Eatallburgerstan."
If you think that's one random hidden joke, it isn't -- the Transformers simply can't stop saying the name. And trust us, knowing the context doesn't make this one any better. In the episode "Thief in the Night," two rogue Decepticons take refuge in Carbombya and meet the country's leader, Commander Gadda -- er, Fakkadi, who, as proudly indicated above, owns a shitload of camels.
Hasbro
"Hilarious!" -a young Sacha Baron Cohen and absolutely no one else.
Fakkadi has the Decepticons steal several world monuments in exchange for oil, but they eventually betray him and take over his country. When the Autobots roll out and liberate Carbombya, they make Fakkadi promise he'll never steal Earth's landmarks again. His response: "I swear to you on the grave of my mother's camel and my uncle's goat and even my sister's donkeys and ..." -- you get the idea.
To be fair to the writers, the script called the country "Karbomia" which ... is still terrible, but at least they're trying to hide it. The animators weren't so subtle. One person who didn't think it was so hilarious was Casey Kasem, who voiced several Transformers until he quit over this stupid bullshit.
Todd Spence
And this is a man not known for saying "no."
#4. The Amazing World of Gumball -- Gumball Clearly Gives A Blowjob To A Balloon
Cartoon Network
The Amazing World of Gumball is about a bunch of anthropomorphic items, such as a peanut, a balloon, and whatever else the animators had in their pockets. It's a pretty innocent cartoon, especially compared to thinly disguised shows for stoners that seem to make up most of Cartoon Network's current programming (Adventure Time, Regular Show, Tom & Jerry, etc.).
MGM
Haha, just kidding, Tom isn't really stoned: he's just trying to kill himself.
However, when one of your characters is a balloon, it doesn't matter if the show's primary audience is younger than the iPod -- someone, somewhere is gonna slip in a joke about "getting blown." Gumball, despite starring a 12-year-old talking cat, is no exception.
In one episode, Gumball is responsible for breaking up two of his friends who were dating: Alan the balloon and Carmen the cactus (it seemed like a doomed relationship anyway). Gumball feels bad when he finds Alan crying in their middle school's bathroom stall and tries to cheer him up, but the little balloon says he just doesn't "have the strength to inflate" ... if you catch his drift.
That drift being, he's emotionally blackmailing his friend into blowing him.
Cartoon Network
Did they mean to rip off a Saved By The Bell episode but accidentally watched Screech's porn tape?
Next we see the content and satisfied balloon leaving the bathroom while cheerfully thanking Gumball, who walks the other way, clearly traumatized -- look at his freaking face. That is the face of a cat who will never trust another person (or random talking object) again. What the oral underage kitty fuck, Cartoon Network?
Cartoon Network
"Ugh, still got a little air in my mouth."
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