Guys, I hit the mother lode. This might be the last column I write, because I just bought something that will probably put my children's great-great-grandchildren through Space College. I was trying to fall asleep by browsing eBay and listening to Skrillex at 5 a.m. when I made a discovery that nearly made me spill out my late-night burrito: a mysterious Game Boy cartridge that contains not one game but one hundred and five. For real. Now, I can't find the Nintendo Seal Of Quality anywhere on the box, but still, I see nothing to suggest that my newly purchased Handy Game Super 105-In-1 might not be a legitimate release.
All right, since you asked nicely.
Do you realize what this means, hypothetical reader? I've seen individual Game Boy games go for over $4,000 on eBay, so if my calculations are correct, this investment might make me as much as half a million dollars richer -- and it only cost me $35 (plus $12 shipping from Estonia)! Of course, I can't offer this to Sotheby's until I've verified that the cartridge does indeed come with all the amazing-sounding, only occasionally misspelled games listed on the back of the box. So, please join me as I break out my original Game Boy and experience magical video game adventures with titles such as:
#25. Turtle Ninja
What It Sounds Like:
Here's how this will work: First, I'll tell you the name that appears on the Super 105-In-1 box, and then I'll play the game and show you what it actually is. We're off to a perplexing start with a game called Turtle Ninja, which is such a random combination of words -- like Elephant Stockbroker or BuzzFeed Journalist. I'm guessing it's a game about a ninja who moves really, really slow? I can't imagine what else that title could refer to.
What It Actually Is:
Konami
Ninja Turtles! Whaaat! Never saw that coming. Although, come to think of it, the fake name actually describes the game better than the real one would, since not only do the characters move slower than molasses (as processed by an 8-bit pocket console) ...
Konami
The AI in this game is amazing, though.
... but there's only ever one turtle present at a time, so calling it Turtles plural would be misleading. Good call, bootleggers.
#24. Bouken Jima
What It Sounds Like:
I'm assuming this is Takahashi Meijin no Bouken Jima (aka Adventure Island), the classic platforming game about a baby caveman who rides midget dinosaurs.
What It Actually Is:
Hudson Soft
No! It's Takahashi Meijin no Bouken Jima 2! Fuck! FUCK!
#23. Sufer Mario
What It Sounds Like:
Obviously, this name is misspelled, but I'm not sure if it's meant to be Surfer Mario or Suffer, Mario. Or ... both? Like, maybe Mario was surfing and got kidnapped by a dolphin who's into S&M? That, or it's the hellish surfing level from Battletoads, but with a fat plumber.
What It Actually Is:
It's just good old Super Mario Land -- or is it? Check out this crazy shit:
Nintendo
That's right, you start with three lives instead of the usual two. For Mario purists, this is more fucked up than that hacked NES game where Mario wears a Ku Klux Klan robe and fights walking vaginas. Spoilers: Super Mario Land appears three more times in this cartridge, as Super Mario, Mario Boy, and SP Mario, and each time ...
Nintendo
The lives you start with ...
Nintendo
Keep inexplicably ...
Nintendo
... going up. We're dealing with master hackers here.
#22. Mickey Mouse
What It Sounds Like:
Mickey Mouse.
What It Actually Is:
Bugs Bunny.
Kemco
Mickey loves snacking on human organs, if I'm understanding the implication here.
The Bugs Bunny Crazy Castle, that is, which was released in Japan as Mickey Mouse due to licensing issues -- an interesting factoid I just found out by searching this game on Google and finding this column of mine from last year. Listen, I don't even remember what the first entry on this article was about.
#21. Dr. Mario
What It Sounds Like:
Tetris or something. A giraffe. Look, I've been burned too many times. The only thing I know for certain anymore is that this game lies -- in fact, write me down for "anything but Dr. Mario." You're not fooling me again, game.
What It Actually Is:
Nintendo
I'm gonna take a shit on your face, game.
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