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Thursday, April 30, 2015
8:17 AM
7 Horrifying Things Snuck Into Famous Children's Cartoons
When most of us were kids, the adults never watched a cartoon for more than two seconds: They just glanced at the screen every once in a while and, as long as no one was getting a rimjob, the show was probably OK. Of course, we all know that they were wrong -- when you look at your favorite cartoons through the cynical eye of a grown-up, you see some pretty disturbing shit the writers threw in there:
#7. SpongeBob SquarePants -- Tons Of Suicide Jokes
Nickelodeon
SpongeBob SquarePants has been producing new episodes, movies, and merchandise since 1999, officially becoming the most successful franchise David Hasselhoff has ever been involved in. The secret to its success? Suicide, apparently.
For a show that is ostensibly about the happiest goddamned sea creature ever to exist, SpongeBob relies a little too heavily on suicide humor. We've already covered how they had an entire episode dedicated to Squidward, who is basically Charlie Brown-meets-Eeyore in terms of emotional stability, getting depressed and seemingly trying to kill himself. Here he is, sticking his head in the oven:
Nickelodeon
Nickelodeon
Nickelodeon
Get it? He was just checking on the brownies. Double twist: The brownies are laced with cyanide.
Ah, but all children's cartoons have that one episode full of suicide innuendo, right? Even Mickey Mouse did it. In SpongeBob's case, however, this is more of a running theme -- in another episode, SpongeBob travels in time to the Middle Ages probably just so we can witness a guard trying to find the courage to off himself:
Nickelodeon
Nickelodeon
"But you're not a big chickenshit like me, are you, kids?" *winks at the camera*
And then there's the one where SpongeBob's boss, Mr. Krabs, spends weeks mentally torturing his nemesis, Plankton, until he decides to lie down on the street and wait for a car to run him over. He spends practically the whole last third of the episode there. Krabs' reaction when he finds out is "LOL."
Nickelodeon
"I embrace death with tiny but open arms."
SpongeBob writers just ... really, really like suicide jokes. On second thought, spending 16 years writing the same dumb characters isn't as cool as we thought. If this is a cry for help, SpongeBob writers, reach out. We're here for you.
#6. Pokemon Origins -- Squirtle Goes For Blood
The Pokemon Company
Pokemon has had some out there moments, from Japanese Clint Eastwood waving guns in kids' faces to a teen girl getting shamed by a dude with giant inflatable tits, but it could be much, much worse. Despite the central premise essentially being about electrocuting creatures to unconsciousness, the cartoon has always politely avoided eye contact with the brutality of cockfighting -- the worst injury any Pokemon ever suffered is looking exhausted and sprouting @ signs.
The Pokemon Company
Or Sega Dreamcast eyes.
Well, that changed in Pokemon Origins, the recent miniseries intended to serve as a more faithful adaption of the first Pokemon game ... as played by 4chan, apparently. In the first episode, there's a fight between Squirtle ("Blue Turtle" according to your mom) and Charmander ("Baby Dinosaur with Tail on Fire") that quickly takes a turn for the horrifying:
The Pokemon Company
"SAFE WORD! SAFE WORD!"
Cute little Squirtle pins Charmander down and bites his fucking face, resulting in Charmander letting out a blood-curdling scream while writhing on the ground in agony. His owner, Red, just stands there in shock, like a kid watching two dogs boning for the first time:
The Pokemon Company
"Shit, and I left my camera at home."
The scream goes on for 10 eternal seconds -- Charmander even pauses for breath in the middle. It's so bad that when they dubbed it for America they removed the audio, possibly because there was no way to replicate that scream without hitting the voice actor in the balls with a hammer.
Still, this was to be expected on a grittier, more mature Pokemon series, right? Actually, after this one Mortal Kombat-level fight, the rest of the series goes back to "aw, he got tired" battles. Somebody just decided that for one scene, shit needed to get real.
#5. Transformers (Original Series) -- Bizarre, Random Racism
Hasbro
One of the biggest criticisms against Michael Bay's Transformers is the use of racism disguised as comedy. You could argue that the other flaws -- unrealistic action, convoluted origin story -- are just the result of the animated source material. But the dumb racism? That sort of stuff never happened in the '80s cartoon!
Except for that time the original Transformers traveled to the little known Arab nation of ... "Carbombya." Get it? Because Arabs = terrorism?
Hasbro
Somewhere, there's an Arab cartoon set in the American state of "Eatallburgerstan."
If you think that's one random hidden joke, it isn't -- the Transformers simply can't stop saying the name. And trust us, knowing the context doesn't make this one any better. In the episode "Thief in the Night," two rogue Decepticons take refuge in Carbombya and meet the country's leader, Commander Gadda -- er, Fakkadi, who, as proudly indicated above, owns a shitload of camels.
Hasbro
"Hilarious!" -a young Sacha Baron Cohen and absolutely no one else.
Fakkadi has the Decepticons steal several world monuments in exchange for oil, but they eventually betray him and take over his country. When the Autobots roll out and liberate Carbombya, they make Fakkadi promise he'll never steal Earth's landmarks again. His response: "I swear to you on the grave of my mother's camel and my uncle's goat and even my sister's donkeys and ..." -- you get the idea.
To be fair to the writers, the script called the country "Karbomia" which ... is still terrible, but at least they're trying to hide it. The animators weren't so subtle. One person who didn't think it was so hilarious was Casey Kasem, who voiced several Transformers until he quit over this stupid bullshit.
Todd Spence
And this is a man not known for saying "no."
#4. The Amazing World of Gumball -- Gumball Clearly Gives A Blowjob To A Balloon
Cartoon Network
The Amazing World of Gumball is about a bunch of anthropomorphic items, such as a peanut, a balloon, and whatever else the animators had in their pockets. It's a pretty innocent cartoon, especially compared to thinly disguised shows for stoners that seem to make up most of Cartoon Network's current programming (Adventure Time, Regular Show, Tom & Jerry, etc.).
MGM
Haha, just kidding, Tom isn't really stoned: he's just trying to kill himself.
However, when one of your characters is a balloon, it doesn't matter if the show's primary audience is younger than the iPod -- someone, somewhere is gonna slip in a joke about "getting blown." Gumball, despite starring a 12-year-old talking cat, is no exception.
In one episode, Gumball is responsible for breaking up two of his friends who were dating: Alan the balloon and Carmen the cactus (it seemed like a doomed relationship anyway). Gumball feels bad when he finds Alan crying in their middle school's bathroom stall and tries to cheer him up, but the little balloon says he just doesn't "have the strength to inflate" ... if you catch his drift.
That drift being, he's emotionally blackmailing his friend into blowing him.
Cartoon Network
Did they mean to rip off a Saved By The Bell episode but accidentally watched Screech's porn tape?
Next we see the content and satisfied balloon leaving the bathroom while cheerfully thanking Gumball, who walks the other way, clearly traumatized -- look at his freaking face. That is the face of a cat who will never trust another person (or random talking object) again. What the oral underage kitty fuck, Cartoon Network?
Cartoon Network
"Ugh, still got a little air in my mouth."
6:32 AM
8 Real Craigslist Ads That Were Clearly Written By Murderers
Responding to Craigslist ads is a bit like gambling. Sometimes you get a decent TV at a great price, and sometimes you get a decent TV at a great price and wake up in a shallow grave beneath a frozen layer of rotting leaves in a barren forest crawling with cadaver dogs all searching for your scent.
Sometimes, though, the traps set by serial killers via Craigslist posts are so hilariously transparent, they would actually qualify as brilliant comedy routines if they weren't 100 percent serious.
#8. Totally Not-Suspicious Jobs For Attractive Young Women
Stockbyte/Stockbyte/Getty Images
We all know what it's like to comb the Internet looking for part-time work, and Craigslist is as good a place as any to find a job, what with quality listings like this:
Craigslist
Congratulations on the worst use of the word "please" in recorded history.
The above ad seems innocent enough -- who wouldn't like extra spending money? All you have to do is be an attractive female and be willing to negotiate a salary for a job that he never actually gets around to explaining. We're sure he'll break it down, in detail, when you drive out to his neighborless ranch house in the next county. But if you aren't an attractive female, don't waste his fucking time.
Let's take a look at another ad:
Craigslist
"Oh, he's white? Sold!"
OK, that's a bit more clear. Some rich old guy wants to be a sugar daddy -- or, as is put creepily in quotes, he wants an "understanding" with some girl who really likes silk ("Understanding" is a word here meaning "enjoys being strangled with and buried in silk"). Good news, though -- he's blind to race. We can't think of a single reason not to give this guy a call and schedule a series of ongoing secret meetings.
Let's see what else is out there for enterprising young women:
Craigslist
"Other benefits" are the best kinds of benefits.
All right then. Here's an all-caps call to arms for fair-to-good-looking slave girls. He's not even offering money -- just "free" room and board, which is what literal slaves received. In exchange, you get to clean a house naked and have sex on command.
#7. "Stay At My House And I Promise Not To Murder You"
mesmerizer/iStock/Getty Images
Hey, in a new town and need a place to stay? Don't bother with Airbnb -- just hop on good ol' Craigslist and see what's in the area:
Craigslist
"Feel free to shower. Mother won't mind."
This good Samaritan from Pasadena, California, wants you to know that if you're a young woman looking for a place to crash, you'll be perfectly safe staying at his house, because his family is home. Nothing will happen, but if something does happen, oh well. Smiley face.
If any future missing persons wanted to take him up on his offer, they could feel free to hit him up at a phone number that ends with 0692-KILL. That's right -- he put the word "KILL" into his fucking Craigslist ad. You need to respond as soon as possible, though. His family is technically home, but he has a very narrow window before they begin to spoil.
#6. "My Ass Needs A Roommate"
Stockbyte/Stockbyte/Getty Images
Need a roommate? Craigslist can help! Just get in touch with someone, make sure they're capable of paying half the rent, and watch your financial burdens melt away. The website is full of people looking for quality cohabitants, like this faceless butt, who made sure to put the necessary qualifications up front:
Craigslist
"Call 1-900-MIXALOT; he'll give me a great reference."
Now, in fairness, we have no reason to believe that this anonymous rear end is incapable of paying rent on time every month, and the mystery dumper celebrates 4/20, which is just as important as a solid credit rating. However, we are a little confused by the second photograph, which appears to be Jim Carrey doing his "crazy stomach" routine.
#5. Man Seeking Pet Woman For Penthouse Apartment
Jupiterimages/Photos.com/Getty Images
If you find yourself less concerned with financially stable asses during your roommate search, perhaps you'd enjoy living in a condo as some rich guy's pet. Provided you're an attractive young woman with a modeling portfolio:
Craigslist
"Wait, did I say 'leather couch'? I meant 'casting couch.'"
Again, here's another person who is not interested at all in credit scores, job history, or employment verification. All he requires is a gallery of photographs, preferably professional. Even better, if you're "open-minded" and "the right girl," you might not even have to pay any rent!
Oh, but you do have to be an attractive woman. He really can't stress this enough.
6:32 AM
5 Cases Of Wrongful Arrest (With Insane Twist Endings)
Advances in the science of DNA have benefited the world in a lot of ways. Like television, for example! Just where in the hell would we be as a society if entertainment options like Forensic Files and The Nightmare Next Door didn't exist? We talk about a few picks for the best true crime show of all-time on this week's Unpopular Opinion podcast ...
... where I'm joined by comics (and hosts of the White Wine True Crime podcast) Kari Martin and Caitlin Cutt.
It hasn't just been murder shows reaping the rewards of DNA testing. All around the country, men and women who'd been locked up for crimes they didn't commit have been exonerated after DNA evidence proved their innocence. That's a good thing, and that's almost always where the story ends. Almost.
In some cases, though, getting released from prison after years of wrongful incarceration is just the beginning of the story. For example ...
#5. Steven Avery
scrippsmedia.com
Steven Avery spent 18 years in prison for a rape he didn't commit. Sad, right? Well, I promise your sympathy will be short lived. Let's power on, though.
In time, as has been the case for so many other "lucky" souls, DNA evidence tied the crime to another man. Avery was convicted on the basis of a witness identification and nothing else. As it turned out, he somewhat resembled the actual perpetrator. Sure, he delivered a whopping 16 alibi witnesses who were able to place him too far away from the scene to have possibly committed the crime, but that still wasn't enough to convince a jury of his innocence.
moodboard/moodboard/Getty Images
Remember, they're just average, everyday shitheads like the rest of us.
They deliberated for less than five hours before sending him to prison.
Almost two decades later, the Wisconsin Innocence Project picked up Avery's case and requested that DNA evidence that was present at the scene be tested by the courts. Sure enough, Steven Avery was cleared.
His case was so influential that on October 31st, 2005, lawmakers introduced "The Avery Act," a bill intended to prevent wrongful convictions like his from happening in the future.
The Insane Twist
On the exact same day the Avery Act was introduced, a photographer named Teresa Halbach was scheduled to meet with Steven Avery at a salvage yard he owned to take pictures of a minivan for an auto trader magazine she did freelance work for. She kept that appointment, and was never seen alive again.
The details of what's alleged to have happened during that ill-fated visit are too heinous to relay here, but on November 11, 2005, Steven Avery was arrested for the murder of Teresa Halbach. His nephew was also implicated and charged in the crime. On March 18, 2007, Avery was sentenced to life in prison without the possibility of parole for the crime.
Purestock/Purestock/Getty Images
Except for real this time.
It's tempting to assume that something about being an innocent man forced to spend years in prison might have had a role in turning Steven Avery into what he eventually became, and, sure enough, there will be some stories that read exactly that way on the rest of this list. That's probably not the case with Avery, though.
He'd been in trouble from the age of 18, when he was convicted of burglarizing a bar and spent 10 months in jail. There are certainly worse crimes you can commit, like ramming your female cousin's car, forcing her to pull over and putting a gun to her head, which he also did.
A few years prior, another relative admitted that he helped as Avery took his own pet cat, doused it in oil and gas and tossed it onto a bonfire so they could watch it burn to death.
JoSon/Blend Images/Getty Images
And you wonder why cats don't like to be carried.
That's serial killer shit, unjust incarceration or otherwise. Don't get me wrong, it certainly can't have helped much (aside from the part where it kept him from killing women and pets for 18 years), but prison didn't turn Steven Avery into a bad guy. He was already that way before the prison system really got a hold of him.
For what it's worth, the "Avery Act" was later renamed out of respect for the Halbach family.
#4. Thaddeus Jimenez
Chicago Sun Times
Thaddeus Jimenez, for all intents and purposes, never had a chance. By the time of the crime that got him wrongly incarcerated, he'd already been arrested 22 times. He was also just 13-years-old. That's not a promising start, but turning things around definitely isn't out of the question when you still aren't even old enough to drive. That turnaround is unlikely to happen in prison, though, and that, unfortunately, is where Thaddeus Jimenez spent most of his formative years.
In 1993, at the age of 13, he was convicted of murder in a gang shooting that he wasn't responsible for.
George Doyle/Stockbyte/Getty Images
Unfortunate stock photo alert!
A friend who held a grudge fingered him as the person who pulled the trigger, and the accusation stuck until 2009, when the conviction was finally overturned.
If there's a bright side to the story, it's that in 2012 a jury awarded Jimenez $25 million in damages from the state of Illinois. It was the largest award ever given for wrongful imprisonment at the time.
The Insane Twist
Unfortunately, money can't fix a lifetime of being raised in the harshest conditions imaginable. The reason Thaddeus Jimenez had been arrested so many times by the age of 13 was because, at the age of 11, he became a member of the Simon City Royals, a Chicago street gang.
Pascal Le Segretain/Getty Images Entertainment/Getty
Rap remix of that Lorde song forthcoming, I assume.
That was the gang he was alleged to have been killing for when he was wrongly sent to prison so many years ago. If you think that affiliation was just going to end because he went to prison, you've clearly never seen a single prison movie. By sending him into the system at that age, the state basically guaranteed that what family structure might have remained around him by then had zero chance of actually helping to raise him. Of course, what help they would have been at that point is debatable. His father abused his mother, eventually causing her to leave the family. His older sister went to prison for murdering her husband. In other words, Thaddeus Jimenez was raised with violence.
So, it really shouldn't come as too much of a surprise that, despite being the beneficiary of a lottery-like financial windfall, he's been nearly incapable of staying out of trouble, being arrested multiple times since his civil suit was settled. It's even less surprising that he turns up around the 1:18 mark of this video ...
... flashing gang signs and talking about his love for the Simon City Royals. After going to prison at an age when most of us are still nervous about our first day of high school, they're probably the closest thing to a family he's got left.
#3. Chad Heins
jacksonville.com
It's easy to understand how Chad Heins would have been the main person of interest in the death of his sister-in-law, Tina Heins. He'd been living in the apartment that she shared with his brother, who was stationed aboard a Navy ship at the time of the crime. On the night in question, Chad Heins came home around 12:30 am after a night of drinking to find the apartment empty. He promptly fell asleep on the couch.
According to his story, he woke up a few hours later to find several small fires burning around the apartment, including one on the couch he'd been sleeping on. After putting out the fires, he discovered the body of Tina Heins. She'd been stabbed 27 times. So ... he just slept through all of that?
Christopher Robbins/Digital Vision/Getty Images
Better than getting murdered through it, I suppose.
It seemed improbable, and that fact went a long way toward convicting him of the crime, despite a complete lack of physical evidence against him. Eventually DNA evidence would clear his name. It was also revealed that he suffered from a rare sleep disorder that, when coupled with a night of drinking, made him nearly impossible to wake up under any circumstances, even while a brutal murder is happening a few rooms away.
Unfortunately, the person responsible for the murder of Tina Heins was never identified or caught.
The Insane Twist
Apparently, Chad Heins made a few solid connections during his 13 years in prison. In 2014, a federal grand jury indicted Heins on charges that he and four others conspired to commit tax fraud by submitting hundreds of thousands of dollars in false tax returns to the IRS. The incidents took place between 2007 and 2011. Two of the men charged in the plot were fellow inmates at the same prison where Chad Heins served his time.
IvelinRadkov/iStock/Getty Images
Time for taxes? They've got plenty!
it's alleged that the group used stolen social security numbers to file false returns. Heins then opened several bank accounts to deposit the money and helped distribute the earnings to the rest of the group.
The weirdest detail is that this all alleged to have started in 2007. That's the same year the murder charges against him were dropped, which only happened after prosecutors spent a year deciding whether or not to try him again. In other words, he had to know he stood a pretty good shot at getting out of prison soon, and that's when he decided to try his hand at crime. That's interesting timing, if nothing else.
Here's the real question, though -- if he is eventually convicted of this crime, what are the chances those 13 years he spent locked up on bullshit charges will count toward his next sentence? (Zero. There is zero chance.)
6:32 AM
The Flaming Moe And 5 Other Fictional Cocktails (Tested)
If TV shows and movies have taught us anything, it's that drinking is awesome. I actually think part of Don Draper's job description is "Drink your weight in bourbon and smoke a carton of cigarettes right now." And he makes it look so cool! But an old fashioned is a time-honored cocktail imbibed by the classiest of classy folks for decades. What about the cocktails that are completely made up for a TV show or a movie? Often, they are only there because they're important to the plot or because they're so disgusting that you just have to laugh at the idea of some poor schmuck having to drink that.
I've decided to be that poor schmuck for you and test a few from my favorite TV shows and movies.
#6. Tootsie Roll: How I Met Your Mother
By and large the Tootsie Roll is the tamest entry on this list and a good way to ease into the experiment. This cocktail was invented for the episode "Slutty Pumpkin" of the first season of How I Met Your Mother. The Slutty Pumpkin created this drink at Halloween and claims it "tastes like an alcoholic Tootsie Roll." The man-child in me insists on renaming it "Impossibly Awesome." The adult-man part of me says, "You already had me at 'alcoholic'; I don't even need to hear the rest."
20th Century Fox Television
I've definitely seen sluttier pumpkins.
The Cocktail
Ted: "So, we're at the bar and I see her mix Kahlua and root beer. A cocktail she invented herself. And she called it the Tootsie Roll, because it tastes like an alcoholic Tootsie Roll."
Ingredients:
1 part Kahlua
1 part root beer
Since there are no official measurements for this drink, I decided to just fill my glass with half Kahlua and half root beer. Your measurements should be done with the utmost precision.
The utmost precision.
I didn't have actual Kahlua, but I used coffee liqueur. It says "imported" on the bottle, so I assume it's some top-shelf stuff. The drink itself delivers on the promises of the Slutty Pumpkin; it does in fact taste a lot like a Tootsie Roll. If I have one suggestion, it's don't go for the joke shot like I did up there -- do some actual measuring. The first one I made had way too much coffee liqueur and not enough root beer. Once I remedied that oversight, the drink was pretty delicious. So much so that I had three more and had to place the experiment on hold while I took a nine-hour nap on the floor.
The next night, I picked it back up.
#5. Skittlebrau: The Simpsons
I've been watching The Simpsons since as long as my eyes worked. I remember watching the episode "Bart Star," in which Homer first mentioned this drink to Apu, and thinking, "Yeah, I could get on board with that." Unfortunately, I was only 11 at the time and still several days away from my first alcoholic drink. Since I turned 21, however, something caused me to completely forget the concept of Skittlebrau until now.
20th Century Fox Television
Probably the copious amounts of alcohol.
The Cocktail
Homer: "I'm feelin' low, Apu. You got any of that beer that has candy floating in it? You know, Skittlebrau?"
Apu: "Such a product does not exist, sir! You must have dreamed it."
Homer: "Oh. Well, then just gimme a six-pack and a couple of bags of Skittles."
Ingredients:
Beer
Skittles
My excitement for this drink was not unfounded. I am a fan of everything the Skittlebrau stands for. I started out with a modest pile of Skittles in the bottom of the glass.
Of course, that's an official IBA modest pile of Skittles.
After that, I poured just enough beer to cover the candy and gave it a 30-second spin cycle so I could soak up the delicious candy-coating.
Taste the ???
After creating that putrid-looking mud puddle, I added the rest of the beer. The dissolved candy-coating mixed with the foam to create a delicious fluffy cloud of beer and candy. I want to find a way to market just the foamy part, because it is delightful.
Tell me you wouldn't pay top dollar for that.
When the foam finally settled, I gave the whole thing a little stir and took a sip. I honestly could have had five of these things, but after the Tootsie Roll fiasco the night before, I practiced some self-control. You know, like an adult? The Skittles go extremely well with the smooth taste of the beer, and the two flavors complement each other very well. I can't think of a beer this wouldn't go well with, so seriously, just start filling your pockets with Skittles before you go to the bar, and you'll see what I mean.
We're off to a great start. I was really afraid that these would be awful. But if current trends have anything to say about it, there's absolutely no way I have to worry about that.
#4. Thankstini: How I Met Your Mother
The good thing about 80 percent of How I Met Your Mother taking place in a bar is that the odds of them mentioning creative cocktails are hecka high. That's the case with the Thankstini, a drink created for those who love Thanksgiving but don't feel like paying those outrageous Thanksgiving prices. Barney Stinson invented the Thankstini to be an entire Thanksgiving dinner in one glass. It's a very creative cocktail, I have to admit, but that being said, it's also one of the worst things that's ever happened to me.
20th Century Fox Television
I never thought I'd say this, but I hate you for this, Neil Patrick Harris.
The Cocktail
Barney: "The Thankstini. A fun and delicious new novelty drink I invented. Cranberry juice, potato vodka, and a bouillon cube. Tastes just like a turkey dinner."
Ingredients:
1 part vodka
2 parts cranberry juice
1 bouillon cube (chicken)
Vodka-cranberries are awesome. I don't care who you are; if you don't like vodka-cranberry, you can go drown in a sea of dicks. The Thankstini was almost no exception.
I used diet cranberry because I care about my body, and also
because I made a mistake at the grocery store.
The exception manifested itself in that tiny red cube of ass right there. I made myself a typical vodka-cranberry in a shaker and poured it over the bouillon cube.
Just like grandma used to make Thanksgiving dinner.
The grandma we don't like to talk about.
The drink tasted awesome, and that was a problem. There was no conflict involved! If you want an article about me just drinking vodka-cranberries, I suggest you head on over to my Sex And The City fan blog. The problem is that a bouillon cube is essentially like if you ran your chicken stock through a car crusher. The dense little cube needs to be boiled in water for it to dissolve. Here, it was sitting in an ice-cold martini glass. So I solved this issue the way I solve most of my problems: I started jabbing it with a stick until it finally broke.
No bartender would be caught dead without a jabbin' stick.
Yeah, that's the stuff.
So now I had little chunks of poultry floating around, and I was ready for a proper shot at the Thankstini.
This is the face of a man who has died a thousand deaths with one sip.
And that's when my soul began escaping through my tear ducts. The bouillon cube almost completely cancels out the rest of the flavors. It tastes like vodka-flavored ramen, which sounds like it would be amazing but in reality is salty, chunky, and unpleasant. I was not drunk enough to endure this, so I ended up dumping most of it down the drain and then burned the glass out back in a cleansing ceremony, just for good measure.
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