Thursday, April 23, 2015

5 Pet Products For People Who Aren't Qualified To Own Pets


Let's face it: A time will come when our pets will rise up and annihilate our asses. Your cat may be a cuddly ball of mildly sociopathic fur right now, and your dog's entire offensive arsenal consists of drooly face-licking attacks and the occasional fart that can strip paint from the walls. But one day, one of their kin will figure out the Internet and stare in deep horror at the various idiotic costumes and surgeries and human ceremonies we force upon our four-legged "best friends." That's when shit will be on.


And really, can we blame them? One day, you and I will find ourselves in the chain-gang marching to the camps where we will be forced to perform funny tricks for our new overlords to gawk at on PawTube. Our gazes will meet, and we will remember these products that our kind once forced on our pets. And we will know that our punishment is just.


#5. Bullshit Fad Diets


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Quick: What do pets eat? If you're thinking of a dog, your answer is most likely "kibble and whatever he can beg off the dinner table." If it's a cat, well -- cat food, right? Maybe an occasional rodent. And for the most part, it's true. Of course, the real answer is more complicated -- there are all sorts of dietary restrictions and supplements that a particular pet might have to adhere to, and it's a sign of a good owner that they keep a careful eye on their fluffy companion's nutritional needs.


Too bad that some owners completely forget that a pet's diet is about the pet's needs and instead force them into whatever nutritional ideology they happen to buy into. Sometimes, this manifests itself through spending extra cash to buy holistic pet food for the pet that will surely know and care about the difference. Other times, an owner might put their mutt on an Atkins diet, which is actually kind of impressive, because unless your pet is sick or otherwise handicapped, the only possible reason for him to become fat in the first place is you.


But some people aren't happy just going fad diet or obnoxious organic food on their pets. Some people are so self-centered that they actually want their pet (who is physically incapable of giving a shit) to share their beliefs and ideologies. And that, friends, is why we have vegan pet diets.


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"Fucking lettuce again? For this impudence, I shall not bring you

my regular gift of a half-eaten mole tonight."


I'm not going to explain why subjecting poor animals to fucking veganism is a horrible idea. I don't need to, because here's veterinarian Dr. Karen Becker doing that exact thing with way more authority. Unless your pet is a bunny or something (in which case, damn, dude, it's already a vegan) its engine is basically built to run on animal protein. This is -- or at least should be -- common sense, or at the very least one of the first things anyone getting a pet should read up on. Yet there's a certain segment of the population that gives zero shits about facts and force-feeds their kitten rice milk and potatoes.


What's worse, it seems like this kind of thinking is spreading -- my town is not exactly known for animal-food fads, but we had a food fair a few months ago, and one large, central stall manned by the lankiest people I've ever seen in my life gleefully sold vegan dog food and treats. They handed out samples to four-legged passersby, and never have I seen so many disappointed dog-looks in one place.


In other news, I'm now banned from my town's food fairs.


#4. Manners Minder Remote Reward Behavior Training System


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When I was growing up, my family fostered guide dog puppies. You know, those really patient dogs leading the visually impaired and completely failing to bite the face off every drunk fuck that wants to pat them as they're attempting to guide their human through traffic unharmed. The way you turn them into such friendly-yet-efficient task machines is by letting them live with a normal family until they're 18 months or so old, and when they have the "humans must not be chewed" thing down, they're off to tests and training.


On one hand, it was kind of heartbreaking to let the pup du jour move forward, but on the other, they were going to help people. Also, nigh-annual puppies. This lifestyle eventually died down when we got a particularly clever black lab that seemed like a surefire pass but quickly figured out his options in life were being a highly trained service animal or a lifetime of belly rubs and idle farting. So he proceeded to flunk his test by basically refusing to do anything until he was returned to us.


I'm telling you my background as a semi-professional puppy friend because I want to make it clear that I'm not basing the following argument(s) on 15 minutes of idly browsing shitty dog blogs:


You need to personally interact with your dog in order to train it.


Does that sound obvious? Yeah, I think so too. Unfortunately, the people behind Manners Minder Remote Reward Behavior Training System apparently think otherwise.


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The Manners Minder (fuck you, I'm not going to repeat that stupid-ass name in full) is basically a remote-controlled treat system that enables you to, and I quote, "reward your dog's good behavior instantly by remote control, and it automatically feeds a treat every few minutes while you are gone." Basically, your pup's food bowl will be replaced by a feeder that'll beep every few minutes, feeding the dog a kibble or two at a time instead of an actual meal, presumably with the implied message that it's precisely 1/128th of a good boy. That is, unless it malfunctions (and according to Amazon reviews it does), in which case your loyal friend can just starve for all the manufacturer cares.


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A cat version of the robot feeder was researched but quickly found vulnerable to repeated maulings.


From what I can tell, this product is mainly meant as a tool for agility dog training (those complicated obstacle courses you see dogs blazing though on obscure sports channels) -- a hobby that I incidentally have deep-seated reservations against, largely due to the fact that 30 percent of the doggies in the game wind up with injuries. However, it's available for anyone to purchase, which of course means it will inevitably wind up in the hands of well-meaning idiots that have no idea how to deal with their pets. And that's how poor Buster wound up having to dance for his sustenance, forever a slave to his Pavlovian reactions to the voice of the Holy Kibble Dispenser that keeps him alive one kibble at a time until the machine jams.


#3. Dog Beer


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As anyone who has ever spilled beer on the floor when a dog is present is aware of, that shit will disappear in a hurry. I'm generously going to assume that you've never done it on purpose, because otherwise I'd be forced to perform a disgusting Mortal Kombat-style finishing move on you, and I'd really like to avoid that because the mess it causes -- ugh. Awful. Bits of you everywhere.


There are two kinds of people who purposely give beer to their mutts: assholes and people who are doing their level best to convince the world that they're not assholes. The latter folks get around the whole "give some to the dog, it's fun" aspect by creating their own brands of beer made specifically for dogs. Luckily, dog beer is not technically beer, for it is non-carbonated and alcohol-free.


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Spot's debauched drunken escapades are going to need some explaining

when he finds out dog beer is non-alcoholic.


That's not to say it's not a stupid-as-fuck invention, though; the logic behind dog beer seems to be the dubious "hey, our mutt sure seems to like beer, so we figured we might as well make 'im his own." Then, they wander away to brew whatever broth-malt cocktails they pass as dog beer and sell them at the price of craft brewery IPA, hopefully to some snotty hipster who thinks the "dog" part of the name is ironic and will spend the rest of the week attempting to get drunk off beef-broth-tasting hound brew.


Here's the problem with this line of thinking: A couple of years ago, I wrote an article about pet owners who willingly tattoo, pierce, and dye their pets. This has led me to harbor a deep-seated belief that a commercially significant percentage of pet owners are and will forever remain dropkick-worthy jerkasses, prepared to subject their pets to the slightest of their whims that range from "adorable" dog weddings in doggie tuxedos and dresses to straight-up dying your cat pink.


What do you think these folks' reaction is when they see that there are actual more-or-less qualified animal nutritionists who peddle dog beer? Will they carefully read the product description, place an order, and wait for these bottles of glorified broth to arrive? Nope. They will go, "Awesome! Beer is good for animals now!" And then make Fido do a keg stand.




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