Not every unsolved crime is committed by a criminal mastermind. For every Zodiac Killer still on the loose, there are a dozen people who are uncaught not because they're outsmarting the law at every turn, but because they're so crazy that not even Batman could predict their actions. We've assembled a gallery of the strangest rogues you might one day find in Arkham's minimum security wing. Hopefully. Otherwise, they'll keep doing bizarre shit like ...
#6. Someone Has Been Throwing An Inhuman Amount Of Urine Down A Building's Garbage Chute
SteveMcsweeny/iStock/Getty Images
The residents of 301 Cumberland Street in New York City have a problem, and it's not other citizens making fun of their exceedingly British name. According to the Brooklyn real estate site Brownstoner.com, a low-budget Howard Hughes has been filling trash bags with urine and dumping them down the garbage chute, where they burst open in the basement like Satan's catheter bag. This isn't like someone throwing out dirty diapers -- we're talking Naked-Gun-level urinations, like the amount of water you'd bring with you on a long camping trip, or a small Coke at a movie theater. It's disgusting.
And yes, of course we have pictures.
via brownstoner.com
We're a little offended that you'd even ask.
One of those trash bags can hold 50 liters, while an adult bladder can hold up to 600 milliliters (unless you're in the window seat of a six-hour flight, at which point it inexplicably shrinks by 90 percent). So either someone is carefully bottling their urine for later distribution, or a resident is secretly keeping a herd of goats as pets. Worst of all, the communal laundry room is located in the same basement where the golden tsunamis periodically take place, so the whole building now stinks for a variety of reasons.
The building's management was long aware of the problem, but never felt a pressing need to address it, possibly thinking that if they could hold their concerns in a little longer and get through the day, they'd avoid any embarrassing incidents. When residents forced the issue, presumably with an email that read "Look, we live in New York, we already deal with more than enough human waste," management heroically put up the following memo:
via brownstoner.com
"If you keep doing this, we'll be forced to move you to one of our Long Island or Jersey properties."
We're sure a polite, rational request will really connect with someone who's bagging and tossing their own waste. "Oh, so that's what the toilet is for? I thought it was for getting rid of my dead goldfish and leftover soup! Sorry everyone, my bad!" On the off chance this doesn't work, we'd love to see the ensuing door-to-door inspection, which you just know will feature a tense argument during which a resident will insist they have a bottle of apple juice, but no one will believe them unless they take a big gulp. If that fails too, they might have to consider truly drastic measures, like a single cheap security camera.
#5. Someone Keeps Flipping Over Smart Cars In San Francisco
Bill Pugliano/Getty Images News/Getty Images
If you live in San Francisco and you own a Smart car, there's a good chance you might leave your home to go to work at a tech startup one morning, only to find your precious vehicle in this position:
via nbcbayarea.com
They even tore off the "coexist" bumper sticker.
Or this one:
via nbcbayarea.com
Ah, the beautiful Smart car mating pose.
Or even this one:
via nbcbayarea.com
Wait, is that the first car again? Time to get a garage, man.
Seriously, this keeps happening. Smart car flipping has been coming and going in waves, possibly because the vehicles travel in packs. In April 2014, four cars were found flipped over like sad, wounded animals. What makes it even more tragic was that one victim was "babysitting her friend's Smart car," and yet even with that added layer of security it was ... wait, what? How do you babysit a car? Do you read it Good Night, Hub Cap?
Anyway, two more were flipped over in June, and all jokes aside, it's a dickish thing to do, considering the body damage and shattered windows that result. But that hasn't stopped the crime wave from spreading -- copycat hooligans flipped a smart car at Ohio State University, either as a wacky college prank or an expression of the existential angst that comes from getting your higher education in Ohio. There's even a forum for affected Smart car owners to share their annoyance and exchange vegan cauliflower brownie recipes.
twitter.com/dsmpowered
They wanted to organize a meetup, but they were afraid the street would look like it was hit by a tornado.
No arrests have been made, although a witness saw a group of six to eight people in hooded sweatshirts flip a car at around one in the morning, so the evidence would point to drunken frat boys venting their anger over Krystal not wanting to go home from the strip club with them. Other suspects include SUV manufacturers, the Hulk, and stiff breezes.
#4. The Case Of The Topiary Dick Vandal
Sam Royds/Photodisc/Getty Images
In what might be the aftermath of an Edward-Scissorhands-like experiment gone even wronger, some anonymous, phallus-obsessed plant-pruner in Windsor, Ontario has been turning public plants into ... uh, pubic plants. What do we mean? We mean exactly what you imagined:
Greg Layson/CBC Windsor
"It's a grower, not a shower."
One reporter who wrote about this hard journalism story referred to the mystery gardener as a "bushwhacker" in her headline, and then presumably high-fived herself for ten minutes. According to locals, the dick shrub stood majestically for a while until photos of it went viral, forcing the city to enact some painful surgery.
via o.canada.com
The blind mohel they hired did a great job.
However, that wasn't the end of the penile crime spree. After striking twice in October 2013, he (we're assuming it's a he, because come on) took a break before getting even more creative in November, because we all know that performing three times in a row would be exhausting and, frankly, not very enjoyable. His most recent effort involved carefully spelling out a word with garlands, and you get two guesses as to what that word was.
via news.nationalpost.com
What the hell is a "PENTS?"
City officials weren't amused -- at least, not after the initial giggling they had to disguise as a fit of coughing when their boss glared at them. But, reasoning that they'd have more success with carrots that look like dicks than sticks that look like dicks, the executive director of parks publicly offered the vandal -- nay, the artisan -- a job interview, saying that the mystery gardener "put a lot of effort" into his dicksculptures and is clearly "very, very good ... at being able to, uh, shape things." Unfortunately for Windsor, it appears nothing ever came of that outreached hand offering a job. Fortunately for us, that means he's still out there and available to work on our new stately country manor. So drop us a line, man.
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