We all joke about how modern Hollywood is being flooded by remakes, but that's not an entirely fair complaint. Sure, no one wanted the new Ninja Turtles or RoboCop, but chances are at least one of your favorite movies is a remake, and you never realized it because they were remaking something so awful it's been long buried in pop culture's graveyard. Like ...
#6. A Creepy, Low-Budget Lord Of The Rings From The Early 90s
Yle
Before filming a collection of video game cut-scenes and calling it the Hobbit trilogy, Peter Jackson did what many thought was impossible: make a good live-action Lord of the Rings (and make people want to visit New Zealand). But most people have no idea he was beaten to the punch by a 1993 Finnish mini-series called Hobitit, either because Finland feels the need to translate made-up words or because they came up with a clever ratings ploy to include "tit" in the TV listings.
Yle
Not to be confused with The Hobbit: In And Out Again.
The series combines the stories of The Hobbit and The Lord of the Rings, focusing mainly on the Hobitits. But the entire series' budget was lower than Jackson's caterers, and the results are ... unsettling. For starters, the cast all look like they just came from one of Middle Earth's lesser methadone clinics.
Yle
Yle
Yle
Christ, Gandalf, what are you cutting your pipe-weed with?
The actor who plays Aragorn Konkari also plays Gollum Klonkku, and interprets them as a deranged hobo and a half-naked man who considers chili cheese dogs as precious as the Ring, respectively.
Yle
Yle
Kari Vaananen, Man of 1,000 Pooping Faces.
The music sounds like it was recorded by a band that got kicked out of their local renaissance faire for being too experimental, and the effects are special in every sense of the word.
Yle
In this version, wearing the Ring inserts you into a Talking Heads music video.
We're not sure if they were planning a Lord of the Rings movie from the start, or were filming LARPers and realized there was greater potential. The fact that everyone constantly looks surprised doesn't help answer the question.
Yle
Maybe this is just how they act in Finland?
The plot of The Hobbit is covered in like 10 minutes (so it does have some strengths). It then moves on to a Rings highlight reel, such as the gathering of the Fellowship at Rivendell, represented here as a laser tag arena filled with men who look like they hang out as laser tag arenas.
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Yle
"While in Rivendell, please refrain from running, climbing, and employing foul language."
There we meet Elrond, played by the Finish equivalent of Danzig.
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"All hail him, and the sweet tat he gave me."
Later the Fellowship travels through the forest of Lorien, famed across Middle Earth for its stunning beauty.
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Yes. Truly stunning.
And, of course, they ascend the perilous Mount Doom.
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Sauron really went all out on his elementary school science fair project.
The show concludes with the famous heartfelt goodbye between Sam and Frodo ...
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"But let me know if your nose starts to bleed."
... which, thanks to their old-age makeup, makes them look even more strung out than usual. Maybe the White Ship was actually a metaphor for cocaine.
#5. Unrecognizable Versions Of A Clockwork Orange And Batman, From Andy Warhol
The Factory
When he wasn't painting soup cans or hanging out with Mr. T, Andy Warhol was filming obscure adaptations of iconic works of pop culture, because it's easy to make movies when you don't care about owning the rights or making the slightest shred of sense. Warhol got his mitts on A Clockwork Orange six years before Stanley Kubrick, and while Kubrick was a master cinematic craftsman, Warhol had access to a camera and an arsenal of drugged-out friends with no acting experience who were willing to appear in a boring mess. It's called Vinyl, and it looks like your dad made home movies of your nightmares.
The two movies have surprising similar starts, with an extreme close-up of the protagonist in a milk bar. Although judging by the incomprehensibility of the dialogue, Warhol's bar was an echo chamber.
The Factory
Warner Bros.
The Factory
Warner Bros.
Those are some sad looking droogs.
Since most of the budget went to drugs, wigs, and drug wigs, the entire movie takes place in that one bar, kind of like our college years. This doesn't stop Warhol from including iconic moments, including the lead character being strapped to a chair and tortured.
The Factory
Warner Bros.
In the first draft of the Kubrick version, they made Alex watch the Warhol version.
Unfortunately, this also didn't stop Warhol from stripping him naked and putting him in a gimp suit.
The Factory
The Factory
"This torture story needs to be sexier."
Most of Vinyl is random acts of violence punctuated with pointless conversations and dance interludes, because if there's one thing Kubrick's version is missing it's two and a half minutes of the main character busting out every awkward, white guy move in the book.
The Factory
That's either a predecessor to "Gangnam Style" or a seizure.
Warhol also produced the first ever feature-length Batman movie, although he called it Batman Dracula and combined the title characters for reasons that are probably explained in some obscure Velvet Underground lyrics but are otherwise incomprehensible to us.
The Factory
Na-na-na-na-na-na-na-wha?
The movie was thought to be lost, but footage that looks as terrible as you'd expect it to has recently resurfaced.
The Factory
"OK Andy, just tell us when you're ready to start filming."
"I've been filming for the past six hours."
Sadly, none of the grainy, weirdly edited clips feature Batman in costume, although that's possibly because Warhol forgot to put Batman in his Batman movie.
#4. A Terrifying, Dead-Eyed Winnie The Pooh
NBC
It's hard to imagine a time before Disney owned Winnie the Pooh. Hell, they once had him run for president until allegations of marital infidelity scuttled the campaign. But in 1960, Winnie was adapted for Shirley Temple's Storybook, a TV show where the famed actress presented different kid's stories with a twist -- all of your beloved characters were now nightmarish, dead-eyed marionettes!
NBC
NBC
"Why, what's the matter, Eeyore?"
"MY SOUL HAS GAZED INTO THE ABYSS."
Sometimes the characters don't obey the laws of physics, which suggests either satanic possession or a world where our pitiful "laws" have no meaning. Both would be believable.
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"We can't all be possessed by Pazuzu, and that's all there is to it."
Tigger looks like he should be starring in Five Nights in the Hundred Acre Woods, while Winnie apparently walked off the set of The Shining.
NBC
Later, gallons of honey sweep through the forest in slow motion.
It doesn't help that Winnie sounds like a chain-smoking Southerner whose previous voice acting experience was as Mime No. 2. Eeyore sounds mildly upset that the bar is out of Coors Light, and Piglet sounds like a concussed Kristen Schaal. Christopher Robin, meanwhile, is played by a live actor, which makes the whole thing feel like a small boy is losing his grip on reality as his expressionless toys dance around him.
NBC
NBC
"I swear to God, he was alive ... they were all alive."
By the time Pooh starts talking to giant mice who look like they'd advocate for a cleansing of the rats from our population, you'll wonder if you're watching an old TV show or having an acid flashback inside a Disney store.
NBC
"Remember 'Nam, Winnie? WE WERE THERE, IN THE HEART OF DARKNESS."
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