On most days, threats of fines, jail time, and public shame keep most of civilization in line. But every once in a while, someone finds a loophole wide enough drive a monster truck full of questionable intentions straight through. Such as ...
#9. A Dude Drives Kids To School Every Day ... With A Tank
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No kid wants to be bullied in school, and rolling up in a goddamn tank is the best way to ensure that your fellow students give you the respect that you deserve. Britain's Nick Mead has two sons, 130 military vehicles worth over two million pounds, and what we're sure is the biggest penis the Commonwealth has ever seen. He drives his kids to school in a tank every day, because what's the point of getting an education if you aren't striking fear into the hearts of your enemies?
Caters News Agency via The Telegraph
Tanklimo.com is now our home page. Tanklimo.com is now our every page.
You would assume this was illegal on the grounds of the longstanding legal precedent established in Terrified Civilians v. Holy Shit, a Goddamn Tank. But as long as the treads are modified to prevent road damage, you and your friends can roll up to 7-11 for a Slurpee in enough hardware to overthrow a banana republic, and no one can say a thing. Of course, the guns have to be disabled ... unless you're an American, baby.
In the Land of the Free, you just need a $200 federal Destructive Device Permit. That sounds like something the government would give Iron Man, but it's meant for bank executives with hard-ons for World War II armor. A local police chief also has to sign off on your ownership, and we're sure none have ever been coerced by having a tank barrel pointed at their office. The only way tank ownership could be more patriotic is if the guns were modified to fire bald eagles holding other, smaller guns.
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Those guns shoot flags and iPods loaded with nothing but different renditions of the national anthem.
As for Mr. Mead, his biggest concern is that his children will one day grow tired of looking like stone-cold badasses. Shit, man, adopt us -- you could drive us to the dentist and we wouldn't stop laughing maniacally.
#8. Inmate Shanking Is Ruled Justified Because Of An Anti-Robbery Law
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We all know how prison is. Someone you don't like enters your cell, you and your buddy stab him 90 times, he dies, and you get in a little trouble. What are they going to do, charge you with murder and send you to super prison?
Nope. First of all, super prison doesn't exist. We made that up. But more to the point, inmate Antero Alaniz successfully defended himself under Colorado's "Make My Day" law, which allows for the use of any degree of physical force against someone who breaks into your "dwelling."
Real talk, Colorado: We're sure you felt cool quoting Clint Eastwood in your legislature, but having a law named after a movie quote makes other states laugh at you behind your back. We don't care how badass it makes lawyers feel -- you're one step away from an "I never treated you like a prostitute" law that legalizes brothels.
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"The defense would like to note that my client only lied about being a thief."
"Yeah, we've all seen that movie."
But more to the point, maaaybe you shouldn't set a legal precedent that lets prisoners get away with murdering other prisoners. We always figured that a dwelling was something you dwelled in voluntarily, even if Alaniz put a few pressed flowers on the wall and really made it his own. Alaniz's argument was that his victim was armed and all up in his dwelling, the same argument that Colorado's hobos will now use after they beat you for wandering under their bridge.
We're not fancy law-talking folk, so we're not going to question the logic of the Dirty Harry Precedent. But we will quote actual lawyers who are doing that. The prosecutor is planning to appeal because the ruling "could limit how the Department of Corrections is able to run a safe facility." We believe that's legal speak for "If you don't change this law, you might as well rename our prisons Stab Cities."
#7. You Can Legally Give Away Your Adopted Children On The Internet
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The Internet is great for getting rid of things you don't want anymore -- that exercise bike you swore you'd use, all those Beanie Babies you thought would be your retirement fund, and, if you're a terrible person, adopted children you no longer feel like dealing with.
Called "adoption rehoming" by the people who do it and "uh ... that's basically child trafficking, right?" by everyone else, the process is used by adoptive parents who find themselves unable to handle their children. They go on the Internet and post an ad for a slightly used child, because if there's one thing all parenting classes emphasize, it's to cut and run at the first sign of trouble.
Brand X Pictures/Stockbyte/Getty Images
"Hang on, sweetie. We're almost at the nunnery."
Now this may shock you, but strangers on the Internet do not always make for the best parents. Children can end up with abusive families, such as this Canadian couple, who insisted that they needed to unload their new son because he was leaving behind a swath of destruction consistent with his background as a child soldier. To be fair, he must have been one absolutely terrifying soldier if he managed to serve before the civil war in Liberia ended when he was two.
Transferring children isn't inherently illegal, as seriously ill or impoverished parents can sign their child over to a friend or family member in times of need. But adoption agencies don't have the time or resources to check on how every adopted child is doing, and terrible parents don't have the time to re-adopt through official channels because, well, they're terrible. So kids who've come to North America after being promised a better life end up getting shipped to some yahoo on Yahoo.
#6. Private Nudity Laws Let People Get Naked All The Damn Time
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We fully support private nudity, but as far as we're concerned, your right to dangle your dongle ends the moment the sight of you gives us flashbacks to the time we saw our junior high gym teacher in the change room and we were forced to confront the fact that we will one day be old.
A North Carolina man has spent years taking advantage of the slim line between private and pubic public property to enjoy standing in his doorway and sharing what his mama gave him with the world. It's a sight no one wants to see, but as long as you're in your own home, you can let it all hang loose in the eyes of God and neighbors who want to get home without any mental scarring. There's not a damn thing the lawman can do.
KTUU
And judging from his "blase Amsterdam prostitute trying to seduce a potential customer" pose, he's well aware of that fact.
To be fair, we understand the legal argument here. That is his doorway, behind his tree that hides some but not enough. Never enough. Less clear is the logic that allows a man to wander the streets of Topeka like it's Kansas' sad equivalent of a nude beach.
KSN
Wait, is that Beck?
Despite walking past schools, where sexual education courses may be abruptly and unfortunately accelerated, police say there's nothing against the law unless there's a sexual element to his nudity. In other words, "If you're hard, you're getting charged. If you're soft, you can stroll off." This came as a shock to the concerned citizens who took photos of the man for what we're sure are legal purposes and will have absolutely no private secondary uses whatsoever.
#5. Two Men Build A Massive Underground Lair
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When a "mystery tunnel to nowhere" was discovered in Toronto, police had two equally valid theories. Either Lovecraftian monsters were rising from the deep to devour mankind for our hubris, or Batman was trying to take advantage of public healthcare.
Canadian Press via The Star
Or it was all part of a very elaborate Saddam Hussein cosplay.
The eventual explanation was so mundane that it was disappointing yet hilarious. A couple of 20-something guys wanted a place to hang out, and apparently took the expression "man cave" literally. Their knowledge of structural engineering was sound, although the fact that they weren't familiar with the concept of basements, bars, coffee shops, or anywhere else that isn't a dark tunnel suggests that they may in fact be homeless Morlocks.
Toronto Police Department
With poor interior decorating skills, even amongst their own kind.
At any rate, police opined that "There's no crime against digging a hole," unless you dig way too deep and end up trespassing on some Chinese guy's property. Because the lair was built on a public park, police and parks officials went back and forth on what bylaw violation, if any, to charge the men with, before finally shrugging their shoulders when they realized they had better things to do with their time. And that's the story of how Canada is pretty chill about people building supervillain hideouts on government property.
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