Monday, April 6, 2015

6 Important Problems That Famous Movies Forgot To Solve


If it was legally possible, every movie would end with Porky Pig popping out of the screen to say "That's all, folks," assuring that that the characters' problems are over. However, as we love to point out, that stuttering swine is a fucking liar -- plenty of famous movies have unresolved plot points that will inevitably come back to bite the protagonist in the ass, either because the writers forgot about them or because they thought no one would notice.


Well, we did, so ...


#6. Pulp Fiction -- Marsellus Will Quickly Find Out That Butch Killed Vincent


Miramax Films


Butch Coolidge (Bruce Willis) is a boxer who gets paid by crime kingpin Marsellus Wallace (Ving Rhames) to lose a fight, only to literally punch his opponent to death and run off with the money. Marsellus has every intention of tracking Butch down and getting medieval on his ass, but through a series of circumstance that can only be described as "Tarantinoesque," they both wind up as captives in a pawn shop basement by a pair of hillbilly rapists and their leather-bound gimp.


After Butch breaks free, he makes the honorable decision to go back and save his arch-enemy and his butthole. In exchange for saving his life, Marsellus forgives Butch for double-crossing him as long as he 1) leaves town forever, and 2) never tells anyone what just happened.


Miramax Films

"Actually, this is so improbable that no one would believe you, so go right ahead."


But They Forgot About ...

John Travolta. Or, more specifically, Travolta's character's corpse in Butch's bathroom. Remember, right before the pawn shop sequence, Butch stops by his apartment and finds Marsellus' top henchman, Vincent Vega (Travolta), using his toilet without asking, and kills him right there.


Miramax Films

"I smell Pop-Tarts!"


When you're watching the movie, it's easy to assume that Marcellus is forgiving Butch for this, too. But Marcellus didn't know about it -- Butch runs into him (literally) on his way back to the apartment. When Vincent's bullet-riddled body is found inside Butch's bathroom, it's going to be pretty obvious who was responsible -- especially since Marsellus already knows Butch was at his apartment, since they had their encounter right outside the building.


Miramax Films

"Usually my other henchman gets the doughnuts, but he just quit to become a drifter."


That changes everything. Marsellus might be willing to forgive Butch for ripping him off, but there's a good chance he'll change his tune once he realizes Vincent is dead. Remember, this wasn't just any random henchman -- Marsellus trusted Vincent so much, he asked him to go get hammered with his hot wife. We wouldn't trust our own ED-suffering grandpas with that.


Hell, even if Marsellus doesn't want to kill Butch, he still kind of has to. Once word gets around that the guy who killed a beloved member of the Wallace criminal organization is out there, acting like he has nothing to worry about (because he honestly thinks he has nothing to worry about), Marsellus is gonna look like a chump. One day, one of those henchmen Marsellus apparently pays to take years-long vacations is going to see Butch at a supermarket in Colombia or something, and he'll have no choice but to order a hit.


Miramax Films

"Oh, and find out what they call the Whoppers over there before you come back."


#5. Gone Girl -- The Abandoned Car Will Ruin Amy's Entire Plan


20th Century Fox


Ben Affleck plays Nick Dunne, who becomes the most hated man in America when his wife, Amy (Rosamund Pike), goes missing and everyone just sorta assumes he killed her. Nick is so desperate that he even hires Tyler Perry to be his attorney, but then ... PLOT TWIST! It turns out Amy actually staged her own disappearance and is planning to commit an elaborate suicide to frame Nick for murder, all of this as revenge for him cheating on her with a young brunette.


Miramax Films

Which we always assumed was the plot to Jersey Girl.


So, she changes her appearance, buys a cheap car off Craigslist and drives out of town, leaving her husband to dangle in the wind. But then ... DOUBLE PLOT TWIST! Amy's plan goes wrong, and she's forced to improvise a new one. She seduces her rich ex-boyfriend, Desi (Neil Patrick Harris), slashes his throat, and makes a dramatic return to Nick in front of the TV cameras, claiming Desi Howser, M.D., was holding her hostage until she bravely escaped.


20th Century Fox

Nice to know a blood-drenched woman can drive hundreds of miles before attracting any attention.


Everyone buys this, forcing poor Nick to remain trapped in a marriage to a complete psychopath. Man, she really thought of everything.


But They Forgot About ...

The car Amy bought, to sneak out of town? The last we see of it, she's abandoning outside a casino, while she was supposedly a "hostage." Which the cops will find and trace back to her.


20th Century Fox

"It was either her, or the chick from Grey's Anatomy."


Amy's original plan was to destroy the car before destroying herself, but when things go wrong she winds up dumping it in that casino parking lot. This here is the difference between real life and fiction -- in the latter, you can just make objects disappear when they're not needed for the story. In an action movie, when a character tosses a gun aside during a sidewalk shootout, we don't think about a little kid walking along and finding it five minutes later.


Well, in real life, when vehicles are abandoned in public lots, they inevitably draw the attention of the police (or hobos looking for a bathroom, then the police). The cops will then look up the original owner, who will say they sold it to some lady on Craigslist. But that person has probably seen Amy's face on TV by now -- if not during the initial coverage of her disappearance, then surely during the media circus her spectacular return caused. Hell, there were probably three Lifetime movies about her by the end of that week.


20th Century Fox

Lifetime presents Vanished Girl, The Girl Who Wasn't There Anymore, and Hey, Where Did That Girl Go?


And once the cops realize Amy was at the casino, her whole web of bullshit will collapse faster than, uh, an actual web of bullshit. And they will realize she was there -- after dumping the car, Amy met Desi inside the casino; unless the most inept investigators ever are assigned to the case, they'll eventually find surveillance footage of Amy sitting down and getting all chummy with her so-called "abductor."


20th Century Fox

"For the last time, Ellen Pompeo was in Grey's! I'm someone else!"


In conclusion, look out for the sequel where Nick hires a drag-wearing Tyler Perry to tear Amy apart on the witness stand, Gone Girl 2: You Madea Huge Mistake.


#4. Beauty And The Beast -- The Angry Mob Of Villagers Will Kill The Beast


Walt Disney Pictures


Beauty And The Beast is the best animated children's musical ever made about Stockholm syndrome. The Beast needs the love of a woman in order to break his spell and transform back into a human prince, so he holds Belle against her will in his castle until he wins her heart. Gaston, a jackass from Belle's village, finds this a tad horrifying and goes to Beast's castle to kill him. And he's not alone -- through the power of his excellent singing voice, Gaston riles up a small army of pissed-up folks to accompany him on his raid of the Beast's castle.


Walt Disney Pictures

"Let's get contemporary on his ass!"


Eventually, Belle's love breaks the spell, turning the Beast into a person again. And they all lived happily ever after, except Gaston, who slips and falls into a pit.


Walt Disney Pictures

The leading cause of death for movie villains between 1986 and 1992.


But They Forgot About ...

All the other jackass villagers who also want to kill the Beast. The last time we see them, an army of angry villagers were storming in and getting overwhelmed by the Beast's furniture/servants ...


Walt Disney Pictures

Somewhere, one of them is getting assaulted by an angry bidet.


... but that doesn't mean they'll quietly go home and forget about the whole thing now. In their song, the villagers admit "We don't like what we don't understand" -- if anything, the Beast suddenly turning handsome through his heretic powers should only freak them out even more. Also, those people loved Gaston with the intensity of Justin Bieber fans: They sang a whole song about how awesome he was. How are they going to react when they find out he's dead? Sure, he fell by accident, but they didn't see that. For all they know, the Beast ate him. With sentient cutlery.


Honestly, it seems pretty clear this entire village consists of terrible people. At the beginning of the film, they sing a song about how weird Belle is for having the nerve to be an independent, free-spirited nonconformist. Later, they almost send her dad to an insane asylum for no reason. There's no indication the superstitious, close-minded villagers are suddenly going to accept these folks with open arms. If Belle, the prince, or the now-human servants ever step outside the castle again, don't be surprised if the situation devolves into a Disneyfied version of the French Revolution, guillotines included.


Walt Disney Pictures

On the other hand, maybe the remains of the villagers are now buried under that floor.




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