Since the beginning of time (or thereabouts), creative people have been at war with other, less creative people who want to enjoy the creative people's work for free. Digital media has made it easier than ever to steal something anonymously and not rot in jail, and the huge amount of pirated video games floating out there is evidence of that ... but it's also made it possible for the creators to finally get their revenge. This usually comes in the form of hidden code that cleverly tortures pirates in all sorts of creative ways, like ...
#6. ARMA 2 Slowly Transforms Your Soldier Into A Bird
Bohemia Interactive
Bohemia Interactive, publishers of the war simulator ARMA and humanity-is-horrible simulator DayZ, have a reputation for creating authentic and detailed military shooters -- unless you steal their shit, that is. In that case, the simulation is only accurate if you've always assumed that soldiers are secretly high on LSD at all times.
Bohemia Interactive
Or maybe they're about to go into a flashback sequence.
That's what ARMA 2 looks like when it decides to turn on the underwater filter on the camera just to mess with you. This is a side effect of DEGRADE, Bohemia's appropriately named copyright protection system that makes the games slowly start falling apart when they detect they've been pirated. For instance, in the ARMA series, your guns will become increasingly inaccurate, your vehicles won't obey your orders, and your enemies will start acting like they're going through a collective brain stroke. It's like the game itself is learning to hate you and will do everything possible to get you to leave it alone.
Bohemia Interactive
The AI's synchronized dance moves will also get super weird.
But video game pirates are nothing if not persistent, as evidenced by the 200 viruses and Russian dating site ads masquerading as "download" buttons they had to click on before getting to install a game for free. If they insist on playing the pirated version of ARMA 2 after everything else, DEGRADE will eventually turn their soldier into a bird -- not a bird holding an AK-47 or driving a tank, just a regular ol' bird, flying high above the map. This is accompanied by a message that says: "Good birds do not fly away from this game, you have only yourself to blame."
Bohemia Interactive
Which is usually the case whenever you get turned into an animal.
Now, the biggest argument pirates use to justify themselves is that they're "just testing" the game to see if they like it and, if they do, they'll totally buy the thing. If that's true, then we're sure they won't mind if every game ever turns you into some manner of fowl after an hour or so of playing for free, because we're starting a petition to make that happen.
#5. Far Cry 4 Tricks Pirates Into Outing Themselves
Ubisoft
The sort of stuff video game fans complain about on the Internet ranges from the completely understandable to the completely nonsensical, but there's one thing both categories have in common: A whole bunch of the people doing the whining didn't actually pay for the thing they're demanding to be fixed. Exactly how many gamers do this, though? Ubisoft, as one of the most common recipients of (not totally undeserved) Internet bickering, decided to find out.
Far Cry 4, the latest entry in Ubisoft's "setting things on fire in exotic places" series, has an option called Field of View Scaling that is more essential than it sounds -- if the FOV level isn't configured properly, something as simple as taking a ride on a scooter can turn into a drug-fueled nightmare.
Ubisoft
In case you ever thought the end of 2001 needed more disembodied arms.
However, when the game was released on PC, some players noticed that this feature was mysteriously absent from their copy: If they went into the settings menu, an empty space would mock them from the spot where the FOV option should be.
Ubisoft
In this case, FOV stands for "Fuck Off, Vacationing."
Naturally, outraged players took to places like Reddit to lambast Ubisoft for this irresponsible oversight ... just as the company planned it (this one time, anyway). Turns out the developers intentionally left out this option from the game, adding it on release day through an update patch only lawful players could get. The result? Pirates accidentally outing themselves and getting publicly shamed by Far Cry 4's director on Twitter:
Alex Hutchinson/Twitter
"Also, your favorite porn star just told me you have a tiny penis. Yes, you, personally."
Good one, Ubisoft! Uh, except for the part where you can pretend to release a broken game and people think it's business as usual for your company, we guess. But other than that, great!
#4. The Talos Principle Traps Players In An Elevator
Croteam
The Talos Principle is a first-person puzzle game from Croteam, a developer that might sound familiar to readers of this article series: They are behind Serious Sam 3, the game that unleashes an unkillable scorpion man on your ass if you pirate it. You'd think people would know better than to illegally download Croteam games by now, but nope, they're still doing it -- and Croteam is still messing with them in hilarious ways.
For The Talos Principle, though, the punishment was more subtle than a murderous monster chasing you around. Pirates are able to progress through the game normally up until they enter the game's first elevator:
Croteam
It's almost like this elevator looks like a cage for some reason ...
Halfway to the destination, the elevator completely stops. No loading screens, no dialogue, no emergency phone to alert the super -- the thing will just sit there, suspended in the air, leaving pirates with nothing to do but look back on the mistakes that brought them to this point.
Missing the sweet irony in being trapped in a game they aren't supposed to be playing in the first place, some brave pirates tried to turn to the Internet for help with fixing the elevator, leading to the now customary widespread mockery. Even the game's publisher, Devolver Digital, jumped in to congratulate the developers for their pirate-foiling creativity:
Devolver Digital/Twitter
Rowling is probably glad she didn't use her full name.
Hey, Croteam, here's an idea for the next one: trapped in an elevator and stuck with a murderous, immortal man-scorpion as the only other occupant. You're welcome.
Not all developers are out to make their game unplayable for pirates, however. Some just go for subtle but hilarious reminders ...
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