Conspiracy theories are like Adam Sandler movie premises: Aliens must be beaming that shit into our brains, because there's no way the human mind could ever be capable of coming up with something so dumb. There's just no other possible explanation. While we get to the bottom of this mystery, please enjoy a new collection of the most intriguingly stupid conspiracies the Internet has crapped out recently. Such as:
#6. "Fifty Shades of Grey Predicts the Collapse of the USA!"
Universal Studios
Remember "The Third Eagle of the Apocalypse," the YouTube genius who blew the lid off of the One Direction/Illuminati/Danny DeVito/Satan connection? Honestly, we could probably fill several articles just with his videos, but here's his most noteworthy recent discovery: Fifty Shades of Grey blows.
Third Eagle Books
Actually, this makes him slightly less questionable.
Also, the movie is a prophecy about America's upcoming end. According to the self-proclaimed "Co-Prophet of These End Times" (the other co-prophet lives in a trash container behind an Arby's), the film is a message from the Illuminati about how they, quote, "plan to bring America into bondage." In order to prove this, Mr. Eagle begins by reading the book's plot out loud, which, yes, is exactly like watching your grandparents have phone sex.
Third Eagle Books
Incidentally, it must have been awkward when he asked his grandson to print out
the Fifty Shades Wikipedia page for him.
The entire crux of his argument is that the plot of the film resembles events within the Book of Revelation, something which sounds unlikely considering that we'd remember having heard that the Book of Revelation is a fanfic of another part of the Bible. To summarize, Anastasia Steele is the Whore of Babylon/United States of America, while Christian Grey is the Scarlet Beast/Russia who eventually defeats/dominates her. Sadly, however, he never clarifies what the nipple clamps and anal-fisting represent, but our bets are "Crimea" and "economic sanctions."
Third Eagle Books
Picture unrelated; we just like taking screencaps of him pointing at things.
He also takes a few moments to deconstruct the title of the film, highlighting that the "fifty shades" is a reference to "fifty states" and that the "grey" is a reference to how everything will look after Russia electro-clamps us into the Stone Age. On the plus side, his questioning about why Christian Grey isn't called Christian Brown has given us an idea for a Fifty Shades/Reservoir Dogs mash-up (although the "ear" scene might get cut). Thanks Eagle!
#5. "Obama Just Declared His Allegiance to Islam Using a Secret Hand Signal!"
Chip Somodevilla/Getty Images News/Getty Images
On the day that President Obama leaves office, hundreds of conservative bloggers will be forced to hang up their keyboards, because it won't be as tempting to convince everyone that the white guy in charge is actually a west-hating Muslim agent provocateur. However, this is still months away and racists have bills to pay, so have you heard that Obama has now openly declared his allegiance to Islam? It's all right here in this picture:
fireandreamitchell.com
Pretty sure the guys on the corner are in a McDonald's drive-thru.
In August 2014, while walking past a podium containing several dozen African leaders, Obama was caught flashing the shahada -- according to the scholars who wrote this, a "Muslim gang sign." Obviously, this now means that his true loyalties have been revealed and, if popular culture has taught us anything, we can expect Captain America to start dismantling this insidious globe-spanning conspiracy any second now.
However, as unlikely as it is that the fact-checkers over at American Thinker failed to do their job, there's a significant hole in their argument. Namely, that the shahada they describe doesn't fucking exist. There's a thing called shahada that is used to reaffirm your belief in Islam, but it's a verbal declaration. In other words, it's not something that you can express using your hands, as if the reference to a "gang sign" didn't already tip you off to the fact that this comes from the imagination of a person who thinks all black people communicate using hand signals because that's what happened in The Wire one time. We're surprised that they didn't go one step further and accuse Obama of replacing good ol' fashioned hand gestures like the fistbump with these crazy fascist-communist hand signals.
"Don't get us started on fistbumps."
So, if Obama isn't inducting himself into the real-life HYDRA (you know, I.S.L.A.M.), what's he doing with that finger? We'll never kn- oh, wait, there's an easily findable video that shows he's just pointing at something. But, say the loonies are right, and say that this gesture does reveal you're part of a plan to bring down America -- then we're afraid we're even more fucked than the American Thinker thinks.
mediamatters.org
The fingers! They're coming from inside the White House!
#4. "CERN Is Planning to Open the Gates of Hell!"
alpinethread/Wiki Commons
As we've previously covered, conspiracy theorists go mental over any sort of technology more advanced than a toaster oven. And, as the biggest, most-expensive science thing in the world, the CERN Large Hadron Collider is a magnet for the crazies (blame the metal of their tinfoil helmets). It's little wonder, therefore, that the recent reopening of the LHC after two years of repairs has people wondering whether the repairs are less "installing a new vending machine" and more "opening a portal to the fucking monster dimension."
Truth Media Revolution
It's basically Stargate SG-Dumb.
According to the people whom no one dares sit next to on the bus, the LHC is a gigantic wormhole generator designed to usher forth the reign of Cernunnos, an ancient god of fertility and forests, whose only real connection to this debacle is having a name that contains "CERN." After all, the purported purpose of CERN is to discover the origins of life, the universe, and everything, and what better way to help with that than abducting an antler-headed semi-deity and trapping him underground?
ceruleanvii.deviantart.com
From there he'll write his first novel, Ravished by the Atom Smasher.
This video offers further proof of this theory gathered from scientific documentaries such as Stargate and The Avengers. Other strands of evidence for CERN being in literal congress with the beast include their logo containing an abstract version of "666" and the statue of Shiva standing outside their office. Although, to be fair, if the people in charge of CERN stopped saying stuff like "out of this door might come something," they might be able to get some work done without having to dodge exorcism every time they leave the office.
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