"Game Jams" are competitions in which developers come together to make games in a ridiculously short period. Participating teams try to cram the complete creation of a game from the ground up into 24 hours, or 72 hours, or one week -- all of which are stupidly impossible time constraints compared to the years it takes for a retail video game to go from a developer's wet dream and into your hands.
Sorry, I just grossed myself out there for a second and lost my train of thought.
Oh yeah, I remember my point now: Some incredible innovation can come from game competitions like these, but mostly it's just a bunch of crazy shit that will never and should never become an actual product. Crazy shit like ...
#5. Succulent
Succulent is ... I don't know what Succulent is, actually. It's not a game. I mean, it looks and feels like a game -- there just isn't much to do other than make a trio of fit men in boxer briefs perform overtly homoerotic stuff with themselves and a phallic orange thing on a stick. But I guess that's exactly what Succulent is ultimately trying to be: a weirdness simulator.
This guy(s) doesn't have a name, so let's call him "Enrico." Enrico wants to eat that orange thing, which is possibly a Creamsicle or a corn dog, but is most definitely a dick. You make him do that by using the mouse to move the cocksicle (corn dong?) into his mouth, and then out again, and then in again, and then out again. You know, like a dick. Once you're in his mouth, you can do all sorts of fun stuff, like wiggle and prod and poke and deep throat.
Each time you move that Freudian nightmare of a snack into his yearning wet mouth, a dancey club tune pulses and Enrico's backup dancer clones grab their (his) junk suggestively. I guess they're suggesting that his next snack be actual dicks, but I'm no semiologist, so I can't be sure of such things.
The more you plunge, the smaller the Creamsicle gets. The smaller it gets, the more the game's grip on reality loosens. Which may suggest that the boner food is laced with something? Whatever the case, it causes Left Backup Enrico's spine to rebel and start twitching like a demonically possessed Beyonce ...
... and the invisible stick up Right Backup Enrico's ass starts spinning him around like he's one of those mechanized lollipops, but minus the lolli and plus a man in underwear holding his dick as if the centrifugal force is threatening to make it fly off.
In the end, the game's madness catches up to it and everything melts, and the demons that have trapped the Enrico triplets in the eternal void of sucking expose themselves:
So ... we win, I guess?
#4. How Do You Do It?
Keeping with the theme of sexually suggestive games, here's another weird gem from Global Game Jam 2014. It's called How Do You Do It?, and it's a game about making dolls fuck.
And the little girl is way too into it.
When we were kids, we all used to make our toys do dirty things, even though we didn't quite know what those dirty things were. It's all part of the weird, awkward magic of growing up. How Do You Do It? attempts to capture that magic in the form of a video game, done roughly in the style of a PBS toddler's cartoon.
You play as a little girl whose mother has left the house for a few minutes. Before she returns, the girl tries to better understand the bizarre concept of sex by bumping her naked dolls together. You use the WASD keys to move her arms, and J and K to rotate the dolls. Sadly, the game doesn't offer a fully 3D representation of rubbing smooth plastic doll genitals together, so there aren't a wide variety of positions to put them in. Here are some of my better attempts:
The Synchronized Dive
The Fart Sniffer
The Leaping Double Dolphin
The Indescribable
And that, my friends, is why I'm now 100-percent positive that I'm on an FBI watch list.
#3. Mustdashe
Not every game to come out of a game competition is a surreal fuck simulator. Some of them are genuine works of art that allow us to live out our most cherished, unattainable dreams. For instance, I long believed I would never get live out my lifelong fantasy of being able to punch mustaches onto people's faces. But now I can, thanks to Mustdashe.
Mustdashe was created for the 7DFPS competition, in which participants had seven days to make a fully-functioning (well, mostly functioning) first-person shooter. It's a simple game: You are a person with fists, and those fists can stamp mustaches onto people and things via violent, bone crushing punches. These punches don't mess around, either. Each one sends a stiff-bodied peg person flying back like a towel behind a jet engine.
For their trouble, they are rewarded with mustaches. Punch mustaches. I'm sorry, but I just don't think that phrase can be said enough.
It's a fun, ridiculous little game that allowed me to give a baby a mustache by punching it out of a stroller and across a park:
A fraction of a second before I launched a mustachioed baby across the game.
I'm not sure if Mustdashe won any awards, but it should have, simply for giving me the opportunity to type the previous sentence.
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