Most fighting games have tons of endings, despite the overwhelming majority being a bunch of fart noises. Commie dance-offs and homoerotic incest parties aside, "here's what would've happened if this guy won" is usually way better in theory than in execution. Most times, the alternate-universe champions simply live happily ever after, unceremoniously die, or stare off into space pondering life, the universe, and how to become a better farter.
Sometimes, however, these endings tease strange and intriguing worlds, starring characters way more interesting than the punks who keep winning for real. The writers behind the confusing and disjointed skull-fractured fairy tales currently passed off as "storylines" really should have embraced the following when they had the chance ...
#5. Mortal Kombat: Raiden and the Elder Gods Destroy the World
Midway
Raiden, Mortal Kombat's benevolent thunder god, wasn't always a hero to puny humans. But he was always a fucking god. How Liu "Bloodlusty Ryu" Kang managed to get past him in the official timeline, I have no clue. Apparently, you just savate kick a thunderstorm until it goes away.
Either way, it's a damn shame Kang won, and not just because he's drier than a stale bread sandwich with a side order of cinnamon powder. It's also because Raiden as Grand Champion would've won us this reality:
Yep, before Midway drafted him to protect Earthrealm, Raiden was the worst kind of immortal: evil, arrogant, and utterly uninterested in any life that ends through non-lightning-shooting-out-of-your-asshole means. As champion, Raiden spends years effortlessly turning back challenger after challenger, growing so bored that he turns the entire tournament into Immortal Kombat, a nonstop rumble orgy where the only entry requirement is the inability to die.
As great as Mortal Kombat II was, an entire game of mean immortal assholes beating the eternity out of one another would have been even better. And because they're dicks, they'd fight on Earth, allowing you to destroy towns, cities, countries, and the whole damn environment along with punching your opponent in half. What's the downside? A corpse might get stuck between your toes? Maybe a bit of mountain? Scrape that shit off and get back to breaking Osiris in half.
Midway
And quit wearing shoes that make you look like a damn kamel.
Yes, Osiris. The Egyptian god of death (feel free to worship him; he's been awful lonely these past few millennia). Immortal Kombat just wouldn't feel legit without some real ancients in on the action. Maybe, sick of being neglected, they unite and attack Raiden and Friends in a bid for universal supremacy. Whatever their reason, the result remains the same -- dozens of deities fight so goddamn hard that humanity explodes in a mushroom cloud of feces and boners. And the kombatants barely notice.
Plus, it's way more realistic than Johnny Cage's ending:
Midway
They successfully killed the careers of everyone involved, so technically it's true, from a certain point of view.
#4. Tekken 3: Yoshimitsu Unleashes a Gigantic Murderous Ogre-Mouse
Namco
Tekken 3 teases a wonderfully batshit break from the canonical monotony of Heihachi Mishima and his family winning time and again like a clan of kung-fu Yankees. Yoshimitsu, an armor-clad Robin Hood who embraced scary Green Goblin cosplay long before Willem Dafoe made it cool, wants to revive a dying friend with a potion crafted from the blood of Ogre, a giant winged monster so ruthlessly badass that the original pronunciation of his name is the sound of someone shitting their pants.
Namco
"Time for a between-fight snack."
Yoshi defeats Ogre and mixes his blood into potion form. But before the big, life-giving chug, he tests it out on a caged lab rat. And then we get the wettest PETA dream of all: The cute little field mouse has a massive growth spurt that leaves him the size of a castle and monstrously pissed off at, well, you:
Sadly, we only see Ogre Mouse for a split second, as the screen fades to black before he gets to gnaw through Yoshi's armor and feast on the tender meaty filling like the world's most disturbing ravioli. Because, let's face it -- a mouse that big would look at everything like it was made by Chef Boyardee. Also, it's infused with murderous Ogre DNA, so definitely no more settling disputes with a mere timid squeak.
Namco
Except for your timid squeak. Of which there would be many.
If Tekken 4 had pounced on this instead of Family Matters Part Yawn, it could've added a whole new degree of both difficulty and unpredictability. Imagine playing as Whoever, delivering combo after combo and destroying Whatsizname's will to live, when Ogre-Mouse appears totally at random, squashing your opponent and immediately eyeing you as its next victim. Being roughly 20 times your size, you wouldn't be able to kill it -- you could only make it go away long enough for you to advance a bit in the tournament.
Namco, Farinosa/iStock/Getty Images
"We're gonna need a bigger cheese wheel."
And it just keeps happening over and over again, even after you think you've won the game, because Nemesis Jerry has no concept of victory. His only wish is to pass you through his rectum as a football-sized black pellet.
#3. Street Fighter IV: Balrog Kidnaps a Mysterious Super Child
Capcom
Balrog, Street Fighter's boxing guru (one of them, anyway), ends SFIV by escaping a crumbling factory filled with bodies meant to someday house M. Bison's soul. One such body is a still-living child whom Balrog decides to keep, because if traveling the world and publicly beating people into a stew-like substance is legal, why wouldn't child abduction be as well?
Unfortunately for Mr. Rog, Bison's Baby Body is currently powerless beyond glowing eyes and hands that ensure his cats never stop having heart attacks. Balrog responds by carrying the kid like a gym bag while vowing to find a way to make him useful.
Capcom
If ever there was a time to not read YouTube comments (besides every second of every day), this is it.
A Street Fighter V centered around Balrog and his mystery buddy would be way more intriguing than whatever's planned for real (based on the trailer, we're getting Street Fighter II Part XXVIII, because there is no present, only past). I'm thinking the original Street Fighter laced with Wario Land, with child endangerment sprinkled on top. This would make Balrog the only playable character -- a greedy asshole out to beat people up, make money, and nothing more. Each stage would pit you against some other fighter you can easily play as by popping in one of the other 200 Street Fighters you've got lying around.
As for the child, Balrog could exploit him as a glowy, freaky-eyed distraction in early fights, and as a secondary weapon once he grows stronger and his latent Bison powers begin to surface. It would all come to a head once you've bowled through every other fighter and the kid goes full Bison on your ass, finally ready to exact revenge for your treating him like a toy all this time.
Capcom
"You never paid for surgery to fix my raging stigmata, asshole!"
And then you kick his ass, too. Because you're motherfucking Balrog, and decades of being reminded you lost your relevance the second Mike Tyson did simply makes you want to cripple people more.
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