Sex and western religion have been tied together for centuries, and not in the fun way. Religion always seems to want to tell us how to screw (the boring way), who to screw (pretty much nobody), and when to screw (only for babies). But there's a reason Jesus has bitchin' abs in all those paintings: Sex and Christianity aren't always mutually exclusive. Even if you really wish they would be, after reading about how ...
#5. A Missionary Made Softcore Male Pornography To Promote Mormonism
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Picture a Mormon. There he is, in his white button-up and black slacks, riding a bicycle. Now he's dismounting that bicycle, ripping open his button-up to reveal a set of glistening pecs, those black slacks barely containing his rock-hard ...
What? That's not what everybody pictures? Former Mormon missionary Chad Hardy would like you to reconsider.
Mormons Exposed, via Rolling Stone
So no coffee, tea, or alcohol, but apparently Creatine is still on the table.
For Hardy, there was nothing hotter than seeing a Mormon perform God's work. That's why he started photographing a bunch of shirtless, hunky missionaries in provocative poses, right alongside pictures of them doing their holy duties. He then published them in a racy calendar titled "Men On A Mission," because it's only legal if you sell it.
Mormons Exposed, via Rolling Stone
... And only sells if you Photoshop the hell out of it.
Unfortunately for Hardy and "Men On A Mission" -- his membership of muscled Mormons -- Church elders in Las Vegas and Utah had never made the leap from religion to softcore porn, and were so taken aback that they excommunicated Hardy and rescinded his diploma from Mormon school.
Oh no! Now he'll lose his job down at the Mormon Plant.
But it didn't matter to Hardy. He had found his calling: In 2010, he released a calendar titled "Hot Mormon Muffins: A Taste Of Motherhood," which featured a barrage of busty housewives in skintight tops along with their wholesome muffin recipes. Presumably, you supply your own frosting.
Shane O'Neal Photography/Courtesy Mormons Exposed
Christ and muffins aren't the only things that have risen.
#4. Megachurch Pastor Ed Young Issued A Seven-Day Sex Challenge
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Ed Young was concerned that young people were having too much unmarried sex. Luckily, he had a solution!
No, not abstinence-only education, silly. That doesn't work.
Piotr Marcinski/iStock/Getty Images
Looking at you, Mississippi.
Instead, he appealed to the married members of his 20,000-strong congregation to double down on their sexual activity. He challenged them to bang each other's brains out as much as humanly possible over the course of seven days, in an attempt to simply out-fuck the unmarried competition. Because there's a finite amount of sex in the world, and if all the married people use it up, there won't be any for single people to have! R-right? That's how sex works?
Andy Boyd
"Can I hear an 'AMEN!' ... and a couple of 'OOOOOH MY GOD!'s?"
Married parishioners who engaged in the weeklong thrustathon were invited to email Young with their thoughts and feelings, which the pastor hoped would get "some real issues on the table." Or at least get some blood pumping.
After using his church's R-rated homework assignment as the basis for his book, The Sexperiment, he once again publicly implored husbands and wives to Biblically "know" each other ... by mounting a bed on top of his church, so that he and his wife could hold a 24-hour "bed-in" under the all-seeing eye of the Lord.
Via Charity Carney
Their church just grew a second steeple.
#3. A Pastor Detailed How To Masturbate Without Offending God
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Mark Driscoll's sex tips for Christian men resemble the kind of advice that you're likely to hear in a 13-year-old's summer camp bunk after lights out. As Driscoll sagely points out in his book Porn-Again Christian, male masturbation is actually kind of gay, because technically you are jacking off a dude.
The only way it isn't gay is if you have a woman present in the room so that you're absolutely sure to be thinking of a female. Oh, and you should never watch yourself in the mirror while you're doing it. That's basically the same as getting a handjob from another guy who happens to look like you.
Mark Driscoll
"Particularly if he's listening to 'Goodbye Horses.'"
But then, if the only way you can finish is "while staring into your own eyes," and the only time you're not thinking of gay sex is when a woman is physically present in the room with you, you probably have way bigger issues than proper jerking technique.
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