Movie posters are tricky -- sometimes they're really cool pieces of art, and other times they're just a bunch of giant heads with some words on them. Sometimes it's even possible to predict exactly how a poster's going to look based on who's starring in the movie, because, as we've mentioned before, some actors tend to do the same, eerily specific thing for every piece of promotional material they appear in, whether it be because of some irrational fear, bizarre superstition, very specific form of vanity, or other reason only they know. For instance ...
#8. Ryan Gosling Keeps Hiding His Left Cheek
Columbia Pictures, FilmDistrict, Fireworks Pictures, The Weinstein Company
Everyone has something they are self-conscious about, and for Ryan Gosling that thing seems to be his left cheek. For a man who famously possesses the ability to overclock human ovaries, it's a bit weird that he'd be so ashamed of showing us parts of his face.
Fireworks Pictures, Paramount Classics
Turns out Gosling's secretly far right.
What does he have under there? Acne? A weird birthmark? A map tattoo leading to buried pirate treasure? Whatever horrible secret is burned into his profile, Gosling is determined to hide it by any means necessary, from strategic vanity poses ...
FilmDistrict
Someone tried to pass him on the left once. Once.
... to more elaborate maneuvers, like covering half of his face with George Clooney.
Columbia Pictures,
The poster was quickly recalled after every woman that saw it instantly became pregnant.
On posters for Blue Valentine and The Notebook, he seized Michelle Williams and Rachel McAdams and strategically attempted to swallow their faces, merely to create a plausible excuse for keeping his left cheek shrouded in mystery.
The Weinstein Company, New Line Cinema
"Yes, that was the only reason."
Based on this overwhelming evidence, we are left to conclude that Ryan Gosling, in a last-minute act of panicked desperation, caved in the left side of his face on the poster for Only God Forgives:
Radius-TWC
He is now seated by the right face of the Father. Amen.
#7. Meryl Streep Needs Something Touching Her Chin
The Weinstein Company, 20th Century Fox, Paramount Pictures
Meryl Streep is widely considered to be one of the greatest actresses in history, which is a crown that apparently sits so heavily that she has difficulty keeping her head up. Consequently, in many of her posters, Streep needs to keep her skull supported or risk toppling over like an elegant beanstalk.
20th Century Fox, Paramount Pictures, Columbia Pictures, Warner Bros.
Coming next summer, Big Skull, Big Heart: One Woman's Struggle With Bobblehead Syndrome.
This oddly specific trend can be traced as far back as 1979's The Seduction Of Joe Tynan, in which a weary Meryl rests her face on a phone while fending off Alan Alda's advances.
Universal Pictures
Alda is like a tornado -- you just have to ride it out and eventually he goes away.
As the years went by, Meryl Streep's condition seems to have improved, although she still occasionally keeps a ready hand at her chin, as if she expects her melon to swing pendulously down at any moment.
Columbia Pictures, 20th Century Fox, The Weinstein Company
Either that, or she's been dealing with one bitch of a toothache for the last few decades.
#6. We Never See The Top Of Tom Hanks' Head
20th Century Fox, Columbia Pictures, Warner Bros. Pictures, Paramount Pictures
Maybe we owe Ryan Gosling an apology about the cheek thing. After all, despite having lived in the public eye for four solid decades, Tom Hanks always hides the top of his head like it's some shameful deformity. Or, at least, his movie posters do -- over the years, he has actually developed many creative ways of keeping his dome crest out of view.
One tried-and-true method is to get as close to the photographer as humanly possible without breaking any laws:
Buena Vista Pictures, Columbia Pictures, 20th Century Fox, Columbia Pictures
We're all aware of the famous Leibovitz-Hanks restraining order.
While another classic Hanks "skull concealing" strategy involves the cunning use of hats:
Warner Bros. Pictures, 20th Century Fox, Paramount Pictures
In the future, all hats are known as "Tom Hanks noggin stockings."
And while we're speculating about such things, let's ask ourselves why ...
#5. Jamie Foxx Doesn't Want To Show Us His Eyes
Universal Pictures, Columbia Pictures, Screen Gems
Looking into someone's eyes can tell you a lot about them. So you have to wonder what, exactly, Jamie Foxx is trying to hide, because he shields his peepers like Scott fucking Summers. Admittedly, sometimes he has a legitimate excuse to hide them, like when he's wearing a pair of sunglasses to kill people in hot weather ...
Universal Pictures, Columbia Pictures
Mirages are an assassin's worst fear.
... or when he's simply trying to remain historically accurate:
Universal Pictures
Well, "accurate" might not be the right word here ...
But when audiences are denied Jamie Foxx's unobstructed gaze on posters for a bunch of stupid romantic comedies ...
Screen Gems, Trimark Pictures
... and when sunglasses tend to turn "romantic" into "creepy" ...
... it kind of makes you wonder: What doesn't he want us to see behind the windows to his soul? Whatever it is, Jamie Foxx refuses to look his audience in the eyes, possibly because he still carries the shame of Booty Call deep within himself.
Universal Pictures, Sony Pictures
#CanNeverForget
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