6 Insane Versions Of Great Movies You Didn't Know Existed

We all joke about how modern Hollywood is being flooded by remakes, but that's not an entirely fair complaint. Sure, no one wanted the new Ninja Turtles or RoboCop, but chances are at least one of your favorite movies is a remake, and you never realized it because they were remaking something so awful it's been long buried in pop culture's graveyard. Like ...

#6. A Creepy, Low-Budget Lord Of The Rings From The Early 90s

Yle

Before filming a collection of video game cut-scenes and calling it the Hobbit trilogy, Peter Jackson did what many thought was impossible: make a good live-action Lord of the Rings (and make people want to visit New Zealand). But most people have no idea he was beaten to the punch by a 1993 Finnish mini-series called Hobitit, either because Finland feels the need to translate made-up words or because they came up with a clever ratings ploy to include "tit" in the TV listings.

Yle

Not to be confused with The Hobbit: In And Out Again.

The series combines the stories of The Hobbit and The Lord of the Rings, focusing mainly on the Hobitits. But the entire series' budget was lower than Jackson's caterers, and the results are ... unsettling. For starters, the cast all look like they just came from one of Middle Earth's lesser methadone clinics.

Yle

Yle

Yle

Christ, Gandalf, what are you cutting your pipe-weed with?

The actor who plays Aragorn Konkari also plays Gollum Klonkku, and interprets them as a deranged hobo and a half-naked man who considers chili cheese dogs as precious as the Ring, respectively.

Yle

Yle

Kari Vaananen, Man of 1,000 Pooping Faces.

The music sounds like it was recorded by a band that got kicked out of their local renaissance faire for being too experimental, and the effects are special in every sense of the word.

Yle

In this version, wearing the Ring inserts you into a Talking Heads music video.

We're not sure if they were planning a Lord of the Rings movie from the start, or were filming LARPers and realized there was greater potential. The fact that everyone constantly looks surprised doesn't help answer the question.

Yle

Maybe this is just how they act in Finland?

The plot of The Hobbit is covered in like 10 minutes (so it does have some strengths). It then moves on to a Rings highlight reel, such as the gathering of the Fellowship at Rivendell, represented here as a laser tag arena filled with men who look like they hang out as laser tag arenas.

Yle

Yle

"While in Rivendell, please refrain from running, climbing, and employing foul language."

There we meet Elrond, played by the Finish equivalent of Danzig.

Yle

"All hail him, and the sweet tat he gave me."

Later the Fellowship travels through the forest of Lorien, famed across Middle Earth for its stunning beauty.

Yle

Yes. Truly stunning.

And, of course, they ascend the perilous Mount Doom.

Yle

Sauron really went all out on his elementary school science fair project.

The show concludes with the famous heartfelt goodbye between Sam and Frodo ...

Yle

"But let me know if your nose starts to bleed."

... which, thanks to their old-age makeup, makes them look even more strung out than usual. Maybe the White Ship was actually a metaphor for cocaine.

#5. Unrecognizable Versions Of A Clockwork Orange And Batman, From Andy Warhol

The Factory

When he wasn't painting soup cans or hanging out with Mr. T, Andy Warhol was filming obscure adaptations of iconic works of pop culture, because it's easy to make movies when you don't care about owning the rights or making the slightest shred of sense. Warhol got his mitts on A Clockwork Orange six years before Stanley Kubrick, and while Kubrick was a master cinematic craftsman, Warhol had access to a camera and an arsenal of drugged-out friends with no acting experience who were willing to appear in a boring mess. It's called Vinyl, and it looks like your dad made home movies of your nightmares.

The two movies have surprising similar starts, with an extreme close-up of the protagonist in a milk bar. Although judging by the incomprehensibility of the dialogue, Warhol's bar was an echo chamber.

The Factory

Warner Bros.

The Factory

Warner Bros.

Those are some sad looking droogs.

Since most of the budget went to drugs, wigs, and drug wigs, the entire movie takes place in that one bar, kind of like our college years. This doesn't stop Warhol from including iconic moments, including the lead character being strapped to a chair and tortured.

The Factory

Warner Bros.

In the first draft of the Kubrick version, they made Alex watch the Warhol version.

Unfortunately, this also didn't stop Warhol from stripping him naked and putting him in a gimp suit.

The Factory

The Factory

"This torture story needs to be sexier."

Most of Vinyl is random acts of violence punctuated with pointless conversations and dance interludes, because if there's one thing Kubrick's version is missing it's two and a half minutes of the main character busting out every awkward, white guy move in the book.

The Factory

That's either a predecessor to "Gangnam Style" or a seizure.

Warhol also produced the first ever feature-length Batman movie, although he called it Batman Dracula and combined the title characters for reasons that are probably explained in some obscure Velvet Underground lyrics but are otherwise incomprehensible to us.

The Factory

Na-na-na-na-na-na-na-wha?

The movie was thought to be lost, but footage that looks as terrible as you'd expect it to has recently resurfaced.

The Factory

"OK Andy, just tell us when you're ready to start filming."

"I've been filming for the past six hours."

Sadly, none of the grainy, weirdly edited clips feature Batman in costume, although that's possibly because Warhol forgot to put Batman in his Batman movie.

#4. A Terrifying, Dead-Eyed Winnie The Pooh

NBC

It's hard to imagine a time before Disney owned Winnie the Pooh. Hell, they once had him run for president until allegations of marital infidelity scuttled the campaign. But in 1960, Winnie was adapted for Shirley Temple's Storybook, a TV show where the famed actress presented different kid's stories with a twist -- all of your beloved characters were now nightmarish, dead-eyed marionettes!

NBC

NBC

"Why, what's the matter, Eeyore?"

"MY SOUL HAS GAZED INTO THE ABYSS."

Sometimes the characters don't obey the laws of physics, which suggests either satanic possession or a world where our pitiful "laws" have no meaning. Both would be believable.

NBC

"We can't all be possessed by Pazuzu, and that's all there is to it."

Tigger looks like he should be starring in Five Nights in the Hundred Acre Woods, while Winnie apparently walked off the set of The Shining.

NBC

Later, gallons of honey sweep through the forest in slow motion.

It doesn't help that Winnie sounds like a chain-smoking Southerner whose previous voice acting experience was as Mime No. 2. Eeyore sounds mildly upset that the bar is out of Coors Light, and Piglet sounds like a concussed Kristen Schaal. Christopher Robin, meanwhile, is played by a live actor, which makes the whole thing feel like a small boy is losing his grip on reality as his expressionless toys dance around him.

NBC

NBC

"I swear to God, he was alive ... they were all alive."

By the time Pooh starts talking to giant mice who look like they'd advocate for a cleansing of the rats from our population, you'll wonder if you're watching an old TV show or having an acid flashback inside a Disney store.

NBC

"Remember 'Nam, Winnie? WE WERE THERE, IN THE HEART OF DARKNESS."

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6 Insane Versions Of Great Movies You Didn't Know Existed

We all joke about how modern Hollywood is being flooded by remakes, but that's not an entirely fair complaint. Sure, no one wanted the new Ninja Turtles or RoboCop, but chances are at least one of your favorite movies is a remake, and you never realized it because they were remaking something so awful it's been long buried in pop culture's graveyard. Like ...

#6. A Creepy, Low-Budget Lord Of The Rings From The Early 90s

Yle

Before filming a collection of video game cut-scenes and calling it the Hobbit trilogy, Peter Jackson did what many thought was impossible: make a good live-action Lord of the Rings (and make people want to visit New Zealand). But most people have no idea he was beaten to the punch by a 1993 Finnish mini-series called Hobitit, either because Finland feels the need to translate made-up words or because they came up with a clever ratings ploy to include "tit" in the TV listings.

Yle

Not to be confused with The Hobbit: In And Out Again.

The series combines the stories of The Hobbit and The Lord of the Rings, focusing mainly on the Hobitits. But the entire series' budget was lower than Jackson's caterers, and the results are ... unsettling. For starters, the cast all look like they just came from one of Middle Earth's lesser methadone clinics.

Yle

Yle

Yle

Christ, Gandalf, what are you cutting your pipe-weed with?

The actor who plays Aragorn Konkari also plays Gollum Klonkku, and interprets them as a deranged hobo and a half-naked man who considers chili cheese dogs as precious as the Ring, respectively.

Yle

Yle

Kari Vaananen, Man of 1,000 Pooping Faces.

The music sounds like it was recorded by a band that got kicked out of their local renaissance faire for being too experimental, and the effects are special in every sense of the word.

Yle

In this version, wearing the Ring inserts you into a Talking Heads music video.

We're not sure if they were planning a Lord of the Rings movie from the start, or were filming LARPers and realized there was greater potential. The fact that everyone constantly looks surprised doesn't help answer the question.

Yle

Maybe this is just how they act in Finland?

The plot of The Hobbit is covered in like 10 minutes (so it does have some strengths). It then moves on to a Rings highlight reel, such as the gathering of the Fellowship at Rivendell, represented here as a laser tag arena filled with men who look like they hang out as laser tag arenas.

Yle

Yle

"While in Rivendell, please refrain from running, climbing, and employing foul language."

There we meet Elrond, played by the Finish equivalent of Danzig.

Yle

"All hail him, and the sweet tat he gave me."

Later the Fellowship travels through the forest of Lorien, famed across Middle Earth for its stunning beauty.

Yle

Yes. Truly stunning.

And, of course, they ascend the perilous Mount Doom.

Yle

Sauron really went all out on his elementary school science fair project.

The show concludes with the famous heartfelt goodbye between Sam and Frodo ...

Yle

"But let me know if your nose starts to bleed."

... which, thanks to their old-age makeup, makes them look even more strung out than usual. Maybe the White Ship was actually a metaphor for cocaine.

#5. Unrecognizable Versions Of A Clockwork Orange And Batman, From Andy Warhol

The Factory

When he wasn't painting soup cans or hanging out with Mr. T, Andy Warhol was filming obscure adaptations of iconic works of pop culture, because it's easy to make movies when you don't care about owning the rights or making the slightest shred of sense. Warhol got his mitts on A Clockwork Orange six years before Stanley Kubrick, and while Kubrick was a master cinematic craftsman, Warhol had access to a camera and an arsenal of drugged-out friends with no acting experience who were willing to appear in a boring mess. It's called Vinyl, and it looks like your dad made home movies of your nightmares.

The two movies have surprising similar starts, with an extreme close-up of the protagonist in a milk bar. Although judging by the incomprehensibility of the dialogue, Warhol's bar was an echo chamber.

The Factory

Warner Bros.

The Factory

Warner Bros.

Those are some sad looking droogs.

Since most of the budget went to drugs, wigs, and drug wigs, the entire movie takes place in that one bar, kind of like our college years. This doesn't stop Warhol from including iconic moments, including the lead character being strapped to a chair and tortured.

The Factory

Warner Bros.

In the first draft of the Kubrick version, they made Alex watch the Warhol version.

Unfortunately, this also didn't stop Warhol from stripping him naked and putting him in a gimp suit.

The Factory

The Factory

"This torture story needs to be sexier."

Most of Vinyl is random acts of violence punctuated with pointless conversations and dance interludes, because if there's one thing Kubrick's version is missing it's two and a half minutes of the main character busting out every awkward, white guy move in the book.

The Factory

That's either a predecessor to "Gangnam Style" or a seizure.

Warhol also produced the first ever feature-length Batman movie, although he called it Batman Dracula and combined the title characters for reasons that are probably explained in some obscure Velvet Underground lyrics but are otherwise incomprehensible to us.

The Factory

Na-na-na-na-na-na-na-wha?

The movie was thought to be lost, but footage that looks as terrible as you'd expect it to has recently resurfaced.

The Factory

"OK Andy, just tell us when you're ready to start filming."

"I've been filming for the past six hours."

Sadly, none of the grainy, weirdly edited clips feature Batman in costume, although that's possibly because Warhol forgot to put Batman in his Batman movie.

#4. A Terrifying, Dead-Eyed Winnie The Pooh

NBC

It's hard to imagine a time before Disney owned Winnie the Pooh. Hell, they once had him run for president until allegations of marital infidelity scuttled the campaign. But in 1960, Winnie was adapted for Shirley Temple's Storybook, a TV show where the famed actress presented different kid's stories with a twist -- all of your beloved characters were now nightmarish, dead-eyed marionettes!

NBC

NBC

"Why, what's the matter, Eeyore?"

"MY SOUL HAS GAZED INTO THE ABYSS."

Sometimes the characters don't obey the laws of physics, which suggests either satanic possession or a world where our pitiful "laws" have no meaning. Both would be believable.

NBC

"We can't all be possessed by Pazuzu, and that's all there is to it."

Tigger looks like he should be starring in Five Nights in the Hundred Acre Woods, while Winnie apparently walked off the set of The Shining.

NBC

Later, gallons of honey sweep through the forest in slow motion.

It doesn't help that Winnie sounds like a chain-smoking Southerner whose previous voice acting experience was as Mime No. 2. Eeyore sounds mildly upset that the bar is out of Coors Light, and Piglet sounds like a concussed Kristen Schaal. Christopher Robin, meanwhile, is played by a live actor, which makes the whole thing feel like a small boy is losing his grip on reality as his expressionless toys dance around him.

NBC

NBC

"I swear to God, he was alive ... they were all alive."

By the time Pooh starts talking to giant mice who look like they'd advocate for a cleansing of the rats from our population, you'll wonder if you're watching an old TV show or having an acid flashback inside a Disney store.

NBC

"Remember 'Nam, Winnie? WE WERE THERE, IN THE HEART OF DARKNESS."

Read More

6 Ways The Decision To Not Have Kids Messes With Your Head

Hi, I'm Kathy. I am 31 years old. I have been married for seven years. And I don't want children.

To a lot of people, I might as well have just admitted that I kick puppies for fun or that I think Jonathan Archer was the best Star Trek captain. For some reason, the general public has a really difficult time wrapping their minds around the fact that some women simply do not want to procreate.

I didn't always know I didn't want kids, but, as my time starts running out, it is something I have had to think about more and more. What seemed cool a decade ago, when it was way in the future, seems a lot less fun now that the future is actually here. Coming to that conclusion is hard enough, but it gets even harder once you start talking about it. Here are some of the things I have learned while arguing with my own biology.

#6. You Realize How Selfish You Are

Stockbyte/Stockbyte/Getty Images

I am a night person. I haven't gone to bed before midnight in years. So, whenever I get near a baby, it is inevitable that one of the parents, usually exhausted to the point of legal insanity, will gleefully bring up how I will need to completely change my schedule once I have a kid. It's like they take joy in the fact that one day, I will be like them.

Here's the thing: I am not willing to change my schedule for a baby. I know that makes me sound like a huge dick. I'm basically saying that I could never love anyone enough to become a morning person for them. But, it is about so much more than that.

I love sleep. Loooooooove it.

Grekov/iStock/Getty Images

This is a picture of my wedding, where I married sleep.

I love letting my day unfold how I want it to. I can go out or stay in. I can drop everything and go to lunch with friends (a lot of this also has to do with my job, but your terrible career choice is another article entirely.) The point is, I like having complete control over my schedule. I don't want my time to be dictated by a tiny, screaming sociopath who can't even talk yet. To most people (including the Pope), this makes me a selfish bitch.

And there are so many more areas of life to be selfish about! I don't have a lot of money right now, but I might one day. And when given the choice of spending it on private school and whatever the 2020s version of a Furby is, or blowing it on vacations in which I can sleep in new and exciting places, I'm going to go with the latter.

flashfilm/Photodisc/Getty Images

Here is a picture of sleep and me on our honeymoon.

While this isn't a personal concern of mine, some women don't want to get pregnant because they care very much about their appearance. Not everyone will be OK with stretch marks and saggy skin and wider hips.

I know all of this stuff sounds unbelievably superficial. That's the problem; basically all of the things I am not willing to give up in order to have a child make me sound like a horrible person to people who do have kids.

It follows that when you think this way, even a little, no matter how legitimate all of your other reasons not to have children are you start feeling like the most selfish person who ever existed. Almost everyone else in the world is willing to give up sleep/money/their body/not being covered in someone else's bodily fluids all of the time in order to procreate -- why can't I do it?

#5. You Cling To Everything That Makes It Sound Good ...

Erik Isakson/Blend Images/Getty Images

Did you know that women who choose not to have children tend to be smarter and better educated than those who do have them? I sure as shit do. And I cling to that knowledge, even when I know it isn't true across the board. When everyone and everything in life is telling you that you are wrong for deciding not to have kids, you will passionately believe in any piece of information as long as it validates your unpopular choice. See, I'm not broken! The fact that I have no mothering instinct whatsoever doesn't make me bad, it just means I am a genius who can lord my intelligence and fancy education over all of you breeders. Science says so.

Jupiterimages/Stockbyte/Getty Images

And the fact that it took me two tries to spell "breeders" correctly proves NOTHING.

I will also seek out funny articles and comedy routines about how much better it is to not have kids, such as this one or this one. Even knowing it's all a joke, there is still a part of me that desperately clings to the truth in those commentaries. People who have kids secretly don't want them! They wish they could sleep in like I can! I win at life, and it doesn't matter if I disappoint everyone in my family!

Plus, there are plenty of amazing, successful women who have chosen not to have children. Some of them have even gone on record with their reasoning, and I cannot tell you how much I want some of their quotes tattooed on my body, so I can point to them next time someone tells me I will change my mind. "Oh, really? Well, here is what Oprah says about not having children. Are you saying you hate Oprah?" If Cameron Diaz, Jennifer Aniston, and various captains of industry -- who I have never heard of because they have never been on the cover of US Weekly -- can live full lives without children, so can I.

#4. The World Is Designed To Make You Feel Bad About Your Decision

Stockbyte/Stockbyte/Getty Images

The reason it is so important to convince yourself that you are awesome for not having kids is that literally every other thing in life makes you feel bad about it. I don't just mean other people, although they don't help. Societal expectations to have children are so huge, expectations is probably the wrong word. "Assumptions" is probably a better one. Once you are my age, people just assume that you have kids already, or want to have kids, at the very least.

Even though women are much less likely to have children now than in 1990, the number of women who admit that they don't want them hasn't changed. Because, once again, admitting to not wanting kids is seen as basically the same thing as detailing your car crash fetish in polite company.

Sze Kit Poon/iStock/Getty Images

Still less disgusting than a poopy diaper.

There is so much that makes you feel guilty about your decision. If you are religious, there is the whole "go forth and multiply" issue. Then, there are all of the women who desperately want their own children and go to extreme lengths to get them. How can you not feel horrible, knowing you are squandering a chance they might never have? For me, the biggest guilt trip I subject myself to is about adoption. There are so many kids out there who I could give a loving home to, and I am choosing not to. That, more than anything, makes me feel terrible.

And just because you have made an educated and logical decision not to have children doesn't mean you will never have biological urges. For women, as we get older, we are literally fighting every hormone and evolutionary drive in our body that screams PROCREATE. You cannot escape it. I can honestly say that I don't have that "mothering instinct" many other women seem to, but even I find babies adorable, as long as they are not screaming or covered in poop. Fighting that instinct can be difficult because only one night of baby-making fever could mean 18 years of regret.

CREATISTA/iStock/Getty Images

Lest you think I am only anti-baby, here is how I picture all teenagers.

But, there is always the worry about the other type of regret, too. The fact that people say that if you don't have kids, you will regret it. That you will never have grandchildren. That if your spouse dies before you or you get divorced, you might spend every holiday alone. The fear that a decision you make now could be making you miserable in 50 years is like the physical manifestation of an Edgar Allan Poe story.

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