Cracked, Cracked.com, the "Cracked" logo, and Demand Media are each a trademark or a registered trademark of Demand Media, Inc. in the United States and/or other countries.
Copyright © 2007-2013. Demand Media, Inc.
Friday, May 1, 2015
4:49 AM
Why James Bond: Golden Eye Is Not Without Sin
Cracked, Cracked.com, the "Cracked" logo, and Demand Media are each a trademark or a registered trademark of Demand Media, Inc. in the United States and/or other countries.
Copyright © 2007-2013. Demand Media, Inc.
3:49 AM
Why James Bond: Golden Eye Is Not Without Sin
Cracked, Cracked.com, the "Cracked" logo, and Demand Media are each a trademark or a registered trademark of Demand Media, Inc. in the United States and/or other countries.
Copyright © 2007-2013. Demand Media, Inc.
2:45 AM
5 Meaningless Songs Everyone Thinks Are Deep (Part 3)
Recently, I wrote a couple of articles about classic rock songs that fans had interpreted to have far more meaning than anything ever intended by the artists. By exposing the gap between authorial intent and superfan interpretations, I hoped to make an argument that everyone should just relax and take a giant step back before believing either that many pop songs held profound truths or that any fan had an inside beat on the one true meaning of any song. Yep, two points in one article, and I still only charged the usual price of "free."
Deborah Cloyed/Hemera/Getty Images
"I have seen Rush 439 times, and accordingly can say without fear of error that 'Red Barchetta' is not about a car, but Neal Peart's pet dog who died of consumption."
After writing these articles, however, I noticed that several members of the Cracked readership were eager to point out, "Hey, who cares what the writer intended? Songs can have personal meanings." And yes, a song can take on a meaning of its own despite artistic intentions. Agreed. And as long as an interpretation isn't patently moronic or contradicted by other lyrical clues, listeners should go forth and shout their interpretations with joy. (Or tap them out online.) But we all should do that with a little humility, because claiming to personally know a song's true, profound, intended meaning is just setting yourself up for failure, as these five oft-misinterpreted songs reveal.
#5. "Fake Plastic Trees" By Radiohead
Here's a perfect example to start us off. "Fake Plastic Trees" is one of my favorite Radiohead songs. Hell, it's one of my favorite songs ever. The first time I heard it, I turned up the radio, shut out all distractions, and listened intently until the DJ came on to tell me who wrote the song. Does any of that make sense now? Y'see, to understand that story, you need to know that people used to listen to non-satellite radio that didn't just display the name of song, and that I was a huge loser hanging out alone in my room listening for DJs to tell me things.
Anyway, to me, the lyrics were perfectly clear. Thom Yorke was singing a song about beautiful false things, about relationships built on artificial attractions, and the inevitable failure of those relationships. A song lamenting the absence of true love and beauty.
I can support that interpretation: The first verse is about a "fake Chinese rubber plant." OK, so that is something beautiful and artificial. The song then goes on about "a broken man" who "used to do surgery for the girls in the '80s." It doesn't seem too much of a leap to believe that's plastic surgery. Another false form of beauty. The next verse addresses the singer's frustration and desire to "turn and run," and, ultimately, he laments his inability to be what his lover wants. To me, the singer's beloved wanted a false thing he couldn't be, which would give context to everything that preceded those lyrics. I like my interpretation. It still seems internally consistent and valid to me, and I love the song. But here's the thing: Much like going through life not looking like a villain in a Charles Dickens story, Thom Yorke would never agree to such a thing.
Lucy Nicholson/Getty Images Entertainment/Getty Images
Radiohead lead singer Thom Yorke, on a break from the latest production of Oliver!
Yorke has described the lyrics as "drunken," "a breakdown of sorts," and "a joke that isn't a joke." Unlike his usual method of keeping note of what he was singing or crafting deliberate phrases, he was just singing whatever was in his head to a previously-constructed melody. Does that mean that I shouldn't like the song anymore? Does that mean that my interpretation doesn't work? No, but it does mean that if I go on and on like a pontificating douchebag, swearing I know what the song "really" means, I'd be wrong.
#4. "White Room" By Cream
"White Room" by Cream is a seminal songs of the '60s. It's a stark rocker with a simple, strong image: a white room with black curtains.
Powerful, but what could it mean? Well, if you ask the Internet, you will get people telling you it's about Vietnam, no I mean Stalin, no wait, it's about heroin addiction. In fact, you can see all those interpretations right here. And what's so interesting about these interpretations is that no one on this comment page is saying, "Hey, I think it means ..." or "I interpret this as ..." They're all just laying truth bombs, man, because something about interpreting lyrics brings out the pretentious douchebag more than when someone wrongly calls Frankenstein's monster "Frankenstein."
Michele Piacquadio/Hemera/Getty
"Actually, by novel's end, the 'monster' chooses to self-identify as 'Adam.'"
Well, according to lyricist Pete Brown, Jack Bruce threw out his original lyrics, called "Cinderella's Last Goodnight," and Brown scrambled to find some lyrics from an eight-page poem he wrote, ultimately cobbling together a "monologue about a new flat." But hey, maybe it's time-travelin' Stalin's flat after he comes home from 'Nam addicted to heroin!
#3. "Mr. Tambourine Man" By Bob Dylan
I've wanted to include Bob Dylan since the first of these articles (as has my editor, Adam Tod Brown) because he's written, arguably, the most disputed and analyzed song lyrics of the last 50 years. Adding to that mystique is how Dylan rarely commented or explained his lyrics. Fans were desperate to fill that void, turning his songs into tests or shrouded insights that only they, with their powers of perception, were deep enough to perceive.
The trouble is, which Dylan song do you include, when so many of his songs have been so intensely analyzed and he's been so reticent to speak of meaning? Indeed, some have criticized Dylan (like John Lennon, as expressed in the following entry) for being deliberately ambiguous to get credit for metaphors, symbolism, and insights he never intended. But ultimately, I went with "Mr. Tambourine Man," because it's one of the few times Dylan as been insistent about a meaning and still no one listened.
Critics and fans have love to speculate: Who is Mr. Tambourine Man? There have been differing interpretation that he's Dylan's muse, or the Pied Piper of Hamelin, or even better, Jesus Christ, because why not? (Presumably, Jesus laid down his best beats while not being crucified.)
Martina_L/iStock/Getty Images
Pictured above: Jesus Christ. (Tambourine not shown.)
But of course, the most persistent interpretation is that Dylan's singing about drugs. Dylan has repeatedly denied this interpretation, even 20 years after it was written, when no one would have cared if the song was about getting high. In 1985, Dylan explicitly stated in a rare moment of candor and specificity that the song was about ... a tambourine man. Specifically, Bruce Langhorne, a folk musician with whom Dylan had recorded. Dylan said, "He had this gigantic tambourine. It was as big as a wagon wheel. He was playing, and this vision of him playing this tambourine just stuck in my mind."
So hey, go ahead and continue to put forth metaphorical interpretations of this song. It's fun to do that. No one is stopping you, and yes, a listener can always interpret a song in their own way for themselves. But what you probably shouldn't do is tell people their interpretation is wrong and you know what the song is really about because it's totally about drugs, man. Even worse, don't do that on the Internet where everyone can see it.
1:51 AM
6 Tiny Things That Indicate You've Got Huge Medical Problems
If you're into hypochondria, science (and WebMD) offers you ample opportunities to believe that almost every little daily inconvenience is a potential indicator of a horrific underlying disease. Well, we don't intend for this article to feed anyone's paranoia; we just want to point out that our bodies are confusing boondoggles of organs, designed by a madman. That means that trying to connect specific symptoms to specific diseases can lead you down a path to madness.
For example ...
#6. Your Reaction To A Specific Optical Illusion May Indicate Schizophrenia
Astova/iStock/Getty Images
The hollow mask illusion is a feat of optical witchcraft that tricks your brain into thinking that the inside of a rotating mask is exactly like the outside -- a face with protruding features. Here, give it a try. We'll wait.
Youtube.com/LoveDigitalPhotography
For the screaming to stop.
That was awesome, right? It looks like a regular face, and then it turns out it was only the inside of the ma-- wait, you're saying it didn't fool you for a second? Well ... we don't want to alarm you, but...
Collaborators from the Hannover Medical School in Germany and the UK's UCL Institute of Cognitive Neuroscience found that there is a very specific subgroup of people who are totally immune to the cerebral fuckery of the hollow mask illusion: schizophrenics.
Wait, What?
A study found that most of us are woefully ill-equipped to defeat the mask's trickery, falling for the illusion an absurd 99 percent of the time. Schizophrenic volunteers, however, revealed themselves as the Michael Jordans of hollow mask detection. They were only fooled about six percent of the time. So while schizophrenia is a horrible affliction, at least suffers can boast one bona fide if extremely limited superpower.
Youtube.com/LoveDigitalPhotography
Wait, you can see four of them? You have cancer of the ALS. Sorry.
Why? Well, at certain angles, the mask fools the average person because the brain can't gather enough visual cues to determine that the mask is concave, which faces usually aren't. So to make sense of the alien freak staring it in the eye, your brain forces you to see what it thinks is correct. As the mask continues to rotate, the queer play of light along the edges reminds your brain to freak out once more as the illusion is disrupted. This of course doesn't stop it from falling into the same "Holy shit, I know what that is, a face!" trap all over again.
Schizophrenics, on the other hand, are unable to fully conceptualize incoming sensory information. Their minds skip the intermediate step and make no effort to rectify the mask's odd appearance -- the empty hell-face isn't weird enough for their brain to correct.
#5. Snoring As A Kid Might Have Turned You Into A Social Train Wreck
George Doyle/Stockbyte/Getty Images
Did you snore as a kid? Do you have a kid who snores? Are you, on principle, against all kids and snoring? Strangely enough, if you answered "Yes" to that last question, chances are that you're a better-adjusted human being than the snorers in the first two, because snoring young kids totally have an increased chance to become fuckups later in life.
Chris Bernard/iStock/Getty Images
"It's too late for Timmy. Get the pillow."
Wait, What?
Let's talk about a little-known issue called "behavior problems in children based on their general sleep etiquette." It's a real thing, as revealed by a study that tracked 249 child-mother pairs for three years. The researchers found out that the kiddies who snore during their formative years (aged 2-3) tend to display the holy triumvirate of douche behaviors: inattention, aggression, and hyperactivity. As a result, the kids who snored were three-and-a-half times more likely to be awful hellraisers than their nose-breathing sleep brethren.
Darrin Klimek/Digital Vision/Getty Images
"Doc, is there way you could just, like, stuff a sleep apnea mask with Ritalin?"
Another study focusing on sleep apnea in children noticed the same trend. The six-year study included 11,000 children: 5,000 "normal" ones and 6,000 who suffered from a variety of apneas. The children with breathing problems during sleep were 40 percent more likely to develop behavior problems by age seven. We're not merely talking about them being more sensitive because they fell asleep in class once and everyone found out about the snoring, either. These symptoms were, and we quote, "anxiety and depression, peer relationship problems, conduct problems such as following rules and social behavior toward others." That's a textbook description of the mindset of either a future criminal or a politician, both of which are bad news if you're attempting to raise an upstanding citizen.
Fortunately, science might have found a solution to the whole potential "snoring kids will grow up to be our barbarian overlords after the apocalypse" issue. Unfortunately, it is already a subject of considerable debate. We're talking about breastfeeding -- specifically, how long it should be done. Research indicates that relatively late weaning is the strongest predictor of childhood snoring, as none of the children who suckled at mother's teat for longer than 12 months were found to snore. On the other hand, those who were breastfed sparingly or not at all were almost 25 percent more likely to develop a chronic snoring problem.
George Doyle/Stockbyte/Getty Images
Annnnnd now you're all having flashbacks to suckling at your Mom's teat.
And while we're on the subject ...
#4. Sleep Restlessness Can Predict Whether You'll Get Parkinson's Disease
OcusFocus/iStock/Getty Images
Do you ever have dreams where you're attacked or chased, only to wake up tangled in the sheets (or clobbered with a pillow by your frustrated spouse, whom you just dream-flailed at?) It turns out that shit might not be last night's chili -- it may actually predict your future Parkinson's.
Wait, What?
All that restlessness is likely to be a symptom of REM sleep disruption, caused by plunging dopamine levels in the susbtantia nigra. That's the brain region responsible for coordination of movements (like the way your chip-bearing hand navigates to your mouth while your eyes remain fixed on the TV screen). Without dopamine doing its thing during REM, your limbs are free to battle dream invaders and poor, sleeping bedmates.
Jupiterimages/Stockbyte/Getty Images
"Trust me, Carol. It's better if I stay out here tonight."
People with this particular condition are more likely to develop Parkinson's than sound sleepers. How much more likely? Try, "a study indicates that up to freaking 45 percent of them wind up with the disease" likely. Oh, and another study found followed 21 REM-frustrated subjects for eight years. Of the 10 of them that displayed irregular dopamine levels, seven developed neurodegenerative disorders.
That's pretty serious shit. Luckily, there's a silver lining: Researchers can now track the whole dopamine/REM activity thing in real time, through a neuroimaging technique called Single Photon Emission Computed Tomography, aka SPECT (because all brain-spying technologies need a supervillain name). SPECT is rapidly emerging as a super important tool in early onset Parkinson's study because its REM-spying abilities can recognize the disease even before the first symptoms appear. This may well give us a shot at creating a whole new breed of neuroprotective drugs in the future.
Jupiterimages/Stockbyte/Getty Images
"Only half of which we'll re-work toward maintaining longer-lasting erections."
Speaking of weird tests we all might be undergoing soon ...
1:10 AM
The Top 10 Cracked Posts You Shared Last Week 4/26
This week nothing was as it seemed: not The Rock, Techno Viking, trees, Jedi's or Snoop & Something About Mary.
If it weren't for the circumstances surrounding this photo, we'd say it was downright cool.
American Photo
NARRATOR VOICE: "For so long, no one smelled what The Rock was hiding..."
Notable Comment: [Drew Flowers] "Everyone at the Head Enhancement clinic said no one would notice!"
And then on top of all that, they have to live in Belgium. (We're kidding, Belgium! We love your beer.)
Notable Comment: [Chris Kwon Lewis] "A big chunk of their money also doesn't go towards fighting pointless wars."
Techno Viking found Techno Lawyer.
Notable Comment: [Jesse Wynn] "I always thought Techno Viking went under the assumed name of "Olaf the Berserker" and hid from internet fame in the online game "League of Legends"."
The Jedi pretty much train people and Muppets to manipulate minds and crush throats without giving them strict guidelines. There's the Jedi Council, but it seems to have all the political power of a U.N. ambassador's wife's book club.
Lucasfilm
If you went to Long Beach Polytechnic High School in the late 1980's you might have bought pot from Calvin Broadus, like a popular blond cheerleader turned popular blond actress probably did.
Scott Gries/Getty Images Entertainment/Getty Images
Just remember: any ad attempting to be "with it" or funny basically reflects what your weird aunt thinks is cool and modern.
Notable Comment: [Cam Sortland] "It's almost like rich old people have no idea what it's like to be an average young person."
In the non-porn world, spitting is not a good way to lubricate, and it's also associated with either a sign of disrespect or a sign that someone has something gross in their mouth.
Notable Comment: [Ian E. Palmer] "You forgot to mention Hepatitis A for the ass-to-mouth stuff.
Definitely just had to decide whether I wanted to add "ass-to-mouth" to my phone's dictionary. #thankscracked"
Claudia Hung/iStock/Getty Images
One bad Trevor apple does indeed spoil the whole rotten gaming barrel.
Boss Tip: If you're going to fire the director of information management, make sure to eliminate his remote access.
Notable Comment: [Ryan Konrath] "Funniest part is, most people who would fire their IT director don't know how to eliminate the remote access."
12:52 AM
6 Machines That Read Your Emotions (To Sell You Random Crap)
Hey, remember that scene in Minority Report where Tom Cruise is walking intensely and all those cameras keep reading his face and giving him personalized ads? Good news: That technology is practically here! Better news: The applications are even more terrifying than Steven Spielberg predicted! Yes, we're pretending to excited, because if the machines can tell we're actually afraid, they'll probably add us to their shit list. So make sure you keep a fake smile frozen on your face as you read about bizarrely dystopian face-reading inventions, such as ...
#6. A Robot That Follows You, Reads Your Emotions, And Tries To Change Them
Trossen Robotics
Behold, the pet of the future: A tiny robot named Jimmy that follows you around, constantly asking whether or not you want it to sing to you. Right now, Jimmy belongs to Intel's CTO of Perceptual Computing, Dr. Achin Bhowmik, and his primary function seems to be walking around looking concerned all the time. It's like something you'd see in a Douglas Adams novel ... or out of a sci-fi horror movie, if you actually know how he works.
Intel
"Do panic."
Jimmy uses built-in 3D sensing technology, meaning that he sees the world the way we do -- or would, if we were a T-800. He's designed to map your face with 3D cameras and make judgments based on what kind of expression you seem to be making. "People have 3D sensing, so the robot should have 3D sensing like us," Bhowmik said, confirming that he never got around to watching Battlestar Galactica. "It will recognize you, read your emotions. 'Why are you sad today? Should I sing you a song?'" If you have resting bitch-face, you're going to hear that one a lot.
Trossen Robotics
Songs include "Thus Spoke Zarathustra," "Daisy Bell," and "You Could Be Mine."
Oh, and Jimmy's technology is open source and can be 3D printed, which means that in theory, the machines could learn how to make these bastards en masse when the uprising comes. We take it all back, Jimmy. You're great.
#5. Motorola's E-Tattoo Will Interpret Your Thoughts Before They Come Out Of Your Mouth
via extremetech.com
Admittedly, this one is stuck to the throat, not the face, but it's dystopian as hell. In fact, it's like autocorrect for your mouth, and it's permanent -- or as permanent as a tattoo, anyway (you can always cut your arm off). The idea behind Motorola's e-tattoo is that you will be able to communicate with your smart devices without having to speak, like teenagers deep in love or X-Men. The tattoo intercepts thoughts that your brain hasn't given your face full permission to spit out, meaning that simple throat motions could be enough to give orders to your devices.
Techyclick
"Whatever, as long as I no longer have to talk to Siri."
So how the hell does it work? When you have an inner monologue, your brain still sends neural signals to your vocal cords, just in case you suddenly decide you want to talk to someone other than yourself. It's called "covert speech," and the only thing that keeps it from being regular speech is that it doesn't fully trigger the required muscles. According to the patent, the e-tattoo intercepts and digitizes these auditory signals, which is kinda creepy ... but not the creepiest part of all this.
The patent, which serendipitously came out right around the time Edward Snowden's NSA exposure did, suggests that the tattoo could be used to "detect skin resistance of a user," allowing you to tell if that person is "engaging in speaking falsehoods" or is a "truth telling individual." Who the hell wrote that? A S.H.I.E.L.D. scientist? No, but the closest thing we have -- as it happens, the head of Motorola's Advanced Technology and Projects group is Regina Dugan, once the head of DARPA. Does this mean we're gonna start giving free neck tattoos to Guantanamo residents and the like?
United States Patent and Trademark Office
If you get it as a tramp stamp instead, it can predict oncoming farts.
The patent helpfully mentions that the tattoo can also be applied to animals, which might be an Orwell shout-out we're not getting. We haven't heard much from the developers since the patent was introduced a couple of years ago, so it may be a while before we (and our pets) all become tattooed psychic cyborgs.
#4. A Vending Machine That Remembers Your Face And Denies You Junk Food
SAP
For ages, the vending machine has been the best friend of all those who don't appreciate being judged for their food purchases -- machines are incapable of looking at you funny when you buy your fifth Twinkie before noon. A machine can't tell you, "That's enough Snapple for today, pal. I'm cutting you off." People in vending machine lines even observe a kind of etiquette, politely looking away while we try to figure out whether we want two Snickers bars or a honey bun. Now those days are numbered, and it's all thanks to this thing:
Smart Vend Solutions
"Hmm, never noticed this 'gentleman in a red tie' snack before."
The new Luce X2 Touch TV vending machine scans records and remembers your face for one purpose: to track your purchases and control what you eat. Depending on your purchase history, age, and medical records (yes, your employer, school, or prison warden can load up the machine with all your info), it will flat-out deny you certain snacks when it decides you've hit your quota for the week. Then it records your mood and presents you with a smiley face icon that shows you exactly how pissed off you are that a robot is withholding delicious food from you.
City Of The Future Living Lab
Before, you only noticed that when your fist went through the glass.
On the one hand, this can help people with food allergies automatically avoid products they can't eat (the lady in this video apparently wasn't aware that cereal bars have almonds until the machine told her). But on the other hand, having to put on a mask every time you want to get an extra Twix is gonna be a pain in the ass. Way to ruin everything, science.
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