Thursday, January 9, 2014

21 Google Book Scans That Bring Surprising Intimacy To The Digital Book World

A sweet child-painted drawing shows the subtle treasures hidden in books.
Throughout The Dutch Twins by Lucy Fitch Perkins (1911). Digitized April 7, 2005.

2. Even the images, simply titled “Employee’s Hand” look like eery pieces of pop art.

Even the images, simply titled "Employee's Hand" look like eery pieces of pop art.
An Account of the Societies for Reformation of Manners, in England and Ireland by Josiah Woodward (1701). Digitized Jan. 24, 2011.

3. And the basics of the library books become oddly comforting.

And the basics of the library books become oddly comforting.
From the front matter of English Traditional Songs and Carols edited by Lucy Etheldred Broadwood (1908). Original from Harvard University. Digitized Nov. 6, 2007.

4. “The End” is framed by blotted ink marks.

"The End" is framed by blotted ink marks.
From p. 450, Female Piety: or, The Young Woman’s Friend and Guide Through Life to Immortality by John Angell James (1853). Digitized Feb. 13, 2007

5. “Distortion”

All from A Prognostication of Right Good Effect, Fructfully Augmented Contayninge Playne, Briefe, Pleasant, Chosen Rules (1555). Digitized Jan. 20, 2011.

6. “Digitization Equipment”

The front and back of Six Questions, Stated and Answered, Upon which the Whole Force of the Arguments for and Against the Peerage-bill Depends (1719). Digitized Oct. 17, 2011.

7. “The halo of a removed flower”

"The halo of a removed flower"
From The Ladies’ Work-table Book: Containing Clear and Practical Instructions in Plain and Fancy Needlework, Embroidery, Knitting, Netting, and Crochet (1845). Digitized March 17, 2008.

8. A map left folded.

A map left folded.
The frontispiece to An Autumn Near the Rhine (1818). Probably from Stanford Library, date of digitization unclear.

9. “Neon moirĂ©”

"Neon moiré"
Throughout Alpha Portland Cement for Eternity (1913). Digitized Sept. 28, 2010.

10. “Frontispiece image transferred to the front page.”

"Frontispiece image transferred to the front page."
From the title page of The Mirror of Literature, Amusement, and Instruction, v. 13-14 (1829). Original from Princeton University. Digitized July 18, 2011.

11. “Marbled paper curls and peels”

"Marbled paper curls and peels"
From the rear cover of A Brief Account of Many of the Prosecutions of the People Call’d Quakers in the Exchequer, Ecclesiastical, and Other Courts by Joseph Besse (1736). Digitized June 22, 2006.

12. “Ghostwrist”

"Ghostwrist"
From p. 686 of Proceedings of the Institution of Electrical Engineers, v. 59 (1921). Digitized April 13, 2012.

13. “Employees Hands”

"Employees Hands"
Top: From Theodori Gaze Institutionis Grammaticae Liber Primus (1543). Digitized June 13, 2012.
Bottom: From De Anima by Oswald Coscan and Sebastian Model (1616). Digitized July 19, 2011.

14. A doodle left for those who make it to the end of the book.

A doodle left for those who make it to the end of the book.
The Principles of Advertising: A Text Book by Harry Tipper (1920). Digitized Oct. 12, 2007.

15. “Photographs of digitization equipment superimposed with cover and bookplate images, with neon glitch.”

From History of the Postage Stamps of the United States of America by John Kerr Tiffany (1887). Probably from Stanford University, digitization date is unknown.

16. “An employee’s fingers, a transformative gutter, and color samples.”

"An employee’s fingers, a transformative gutter, and color samples."
Index of Colours and Mixed Tints by Theodore Henry A. Fielding (1830). Digitized March 31, 2006.

17. The Eiffel Tower photographed through folded tissue.

The Eiffel Tower photographed through folded tissue.
From The Colour of Paris: Historic, Personal & Local, ed. by Lucien Descaves (1908). Digitized June 28, 2006.

18. A drawing of a young girl.

A drawing of a young girl.
From p. 98 of Poems for Children by Celia Thaxter (1884). Digitized Nov. 28, 2007.

19. And a drawing of a young woman.

And a drawing of a young woman.
From p. 326 of Simon the Jester by William John Locke (2011). Digitized Dec. 11, 2007.

20. A GIF of a stain’s depth, appropriately titled, “Stain.”

21 Google Book Scans That Bring Surprising Intimacy To The Digital Book World
From Mirth in Miniature: or, Bursts of Merriment (1825). Digitized Feb. 25, 2008.

21. And finally, an apt reminder who all books belong to.

And finally, an apt reminder who all books belong to.
The Following of the Star: A Romance by Florence Louisa Barclay (1911). Digitized April 18, 2008.

For more google book art, visit the Tumblr.

What Happens When A Finance Company Makes A Video Game

Ansarada is a finance company that makes so-called “virtual data room” software—a web client that allows the partners in a merger or acquisition to disclose confidential information as part of the due diligence process. I know, I’m bored too.
Next week, however, Ansarada launches M&ADE, which they are billing as the world’s first mergers and acquisitions game.
And if the trailer is to be believed, this game is better than cocaine.

It’s basically like living inside The Wolf of Wall Street.

What Happens When A Finance Company Makes A Video Game
20 million.

You’re gonna drive sick fuckin cars

What Happens When A Finance Company Makes A Video Game

You’re gonna sail sick fuckin boats

What Happens When A Finance Company Makes A Video Game

You’re gonna walk all badass towards a sick fuckin chopper

What Happens When A Finance Company Makes A Video Game
whushwhushwhushwhush

This game is epic. It’s where legends are made.

What Happens When A Finance Company Makes A Video Game

So like, what do you do in M@ADE?

So like, what do you do in M@ADE?
Robber baron muthafucka

So, it looks like you tap.

What Happens When A Finance Company Makes A Video Game

Like, tap on text.

What Happens When A Finance Company Makes A Video Game
neat?

You tap on text a lot tho

What Happens When A Finance Company Makes A Video Game
a game about lawyers and accountants

And then some check marks appear

What Happens When A Finance Company Makes A Video Game
so um well

And then you’re a legend. Celebrate




4 Hilarious Scenes Left Out of Comic Book Movies


Conventional nerd wisdom says that the more Hollywood changes a comic book they're adapting, the greater the amount of balls it's going to suck. Look at movies like Catwoman, Constantine, or LXG -- they all made inexplicable changes to the source material, and according to Box Office Mojo's stats, each of them sucked over 75,000 donkey balls (Wikipedia's "List of Films by Most Donkey Balls Sucked" page says LXG sucked a record-breaking 101,837, but the claim is unsourced).
But, despite being a well-documented nerd, even I have to admit that sometimes, even if the original comic is a classic, the changes are for the best. There are things that the comic book medium can pull off which simply wouldn't work on the big screen, mainly because comics can get silly as fuck, you guys. Here are some scenes that I'm glad exist in comic book form, but I'm thankful they didn't get adapted.

#4. The Avengers -- Loki Is Defeated by Ants

What They Got from the Comics:
The basic plot of The Avengers (the 2012 movie) is the same as The Avengers #1 (the 1963 comic), give or take some explosions and Galaga references: Loki, Thor's brother and the god of trickery, manipulates a bunch of superheroes as part of an evil plan, thus causing them to band together and kick his ass.
Marvel Comics
"I am bad at evil plans."
Despite spending a big chunk of the plot punching each other instead of the villain, the superheroes decide to stay together as the Avengers. As in the movie, the team in the comic is composed of Iron Man (back when he was chubbier and completely yellow), Hulk, Thor, and Captain Ame-
Wait, who the fuck is this joker?!
What They Left Out:
That joker is Ant-Man, named like that because he has the "power" of shrinking to the size of an ant. Beside him is his assistant/love interest, The Wasp, who also turns tiny but at least gets some wings in return. Ant-Man, on the other hand, has to get around by using exploited ants as skis. I can see why they left him out of the movie: He would have been even less useful than Hawkeye and Black Widow during the big fight scene in New York.
Marvel Studios
"Hey, where's An- whoops."
Despite being universally recognized as the leader and soul of the team, Captain America doesn't show up until issue #4 ... but the thing is, they don't really need him in the fight against Loki, because Ant-Man saves the day. Actually, that's not accurate: Ant-Man's ants save the day. Just regular ants that he talks to, the way Aquaman talks to aquatic animals. How do the ants save the day? Well, at the end of the comic the heroes think they've got Loki cornered, but he turns himself radioactive and starts killing them (which was a thing he could have done at any point, apparently). The mighty Avengers are completely at the mercy of Loki. The team is over before it even started.
That's when the ants open a trapdoor under Loki, drop him into some sort of furnace, and lock him inside.
Marvel Comics
While Ant-Man helpfully commentates on what they're already doing.
At this point, Thor probably invited the ants to join the Avengers, but they were too busy ruining someone's cereal, so the team settled for that Ant-Man assclown. Am I being too hard on the little guy? Probably, but I have to make fun of him while I can before Edgar Wright and Paul Rudd make him cool in his upcoming movie (though I should have learned my lesson after my ill-fated 2007 article, "7 Reasons Why Iron Man Is Stupid and No One Likes Him and Never Will").
It Gets Sillier:
Another big difference between the Avengers movie and comic? I'm pretty sure the movie skipped the part where Hulk tries to go incognito and joins a circus masquerading as a robot clown juggling horses and elephants.
Marvel Comics
"Yes, no one will look at me twice now. I am great at secret identities."

#3. The Dark Knight Rises -- Bane and Batman Become Bros

What They Got from the Comics:
The Dark Knight Rises, that long-ass Christopher Nolan movie with dramatic music in every scene (you know, the one with Michael Caine in it?), is based on several Batman comics storylines, but mainly the one where a big guy called Bane shows up in Gotham City one day and breaks Batman's back.
DC Comics
"Hey there, what's your gimmick? Bring any henchmen toda- ARGH!"
Batman spends several months recuperating abroad until his spine basically fixes itself and he's ready to resume his Batmanning. Eventually he beats Bane in a rematch and then Bane dies, obviously, because there's no more use for the character anymore.
What They Left Out:
Wait, no. That's in the movie. In the comics Bane survives and, having no idea what to do with the character now, the writers said "fuck it" and came up with a plot where he thinks he might be Batman's little brother.
DC Comics
They even got a portrait made in the style of the poster for Step Brothers.
See, that's what happens in comics when a character specifically created for one storyline is allowed to hang around for years and years: His plotlines get increasingly silly until they reach soap opera-esque proportions. In this case, Bane goes on a long quest to find out who his father was, until one day he comes across a photo of his mom with some guy called Dr. Thomas Wayne. As in Thomas "Let's Take a Shortcut Through This Dark Alley, It Looks Really Safe" Wayne, father of Bruce. Alfred confirms that Batman's dad did visit the island where Bane grew up, roughly nine months before his birth, to provide the locals with his special brand of "medical relief."
DC Comics
"Also, one time, he fucked a penguin. Wonder what happened to that ugly kid."
So how does Batman react to one of his biggest enemies making a claim like that? By punching Bane in his shriveled, steroid-filled balls and throwing him out of the city he once threatened to destroy with a clean-energy-device-turned-nuclear-bomb, right? Nope: He lets Bane stay at Wayne Manor, lends him a batmobile, and takes him out on patrols like he's courting a new Robin. To be fair, Bane did chill out considerably during this period, and even started calling himself Wayne. Just Wayne. Wayne who likes to party.
DC Comics
Party on, Bane.
Of course, a few issues later the DNA test Bane and Batman ordered comes back negative, and Bane goes off to continue his dadquest. But the damage is done: He isn't quite so intimidating after you've seen him in a polo shirt.
It Gets Sillier:
More-recent storylines have Bane discovering his tender side and trying his hand at romance -- which is completely awesome, actually, but try to imagine the following dialogue in Tom Hardy's muffled voice:
DC Comics
You'll know you did it correctly if you never feel aroused ever again.

4 Weird Side Effects of Learning How to Write


A few months ago, several years after beginning this column, I finally learned how to write, the last piece of the puzzle being someone showing me how semicolons work.

They make sentences; look smarter.
It turns out that writing is one of those skills that really changes the way you think. One obvious way is that in the years since I started writing for Cracked, I've noticed all sorts of changes in the way I perceive the world.
Hemera Technologies/AbleStock.com/Getty Images
"Who's the cutest little listicle? You are! You are!"
But it goes beyond turning everything into surprising lists of badass mind blowers. Indeed, if you yourself have learned how to write comedy articles or novels or even just really great text messages, you'll have experienced the same thing -- the surprising ways learning to write changes your life.

#4. Regular Conversations Sound Banal

Conversations in movies and books are filled with snappy banter, people constantly telling razor-sharp jokes or perfectly capturing their character in a few words. I've gotten a lot of mileage out of writing dialogue-heavy pieces in my time here at Cracked, which has the same issue: people talking in a funny but horribly unbelievable manner.
Digital Vision/Getty Images
"Forsooth, this is a pretty unlikely way to begin a sentence."
Conversations in the real world are nothing like this, filled with awkward pauses and words like "um" and "uh" and "derrr." People mishear things all the time, or misunderstand them entirely. Awful jokes are commonplace, and nearly everything uttered is completely banal. Listen to a conversation someone else is having on a bus sometime. The most trite, straightforward observations are repeated as if they're great pieces of wisdom, and everything is dramatically oversimplified. I don't know if I've ever heard anyone say something about politics that wasn't completely wrong, and I'm constantly having to interject and correct them.
Jupiterimages/Photos.com/Getty Images
"Sorry to interrupt, but ACTUALLY, a single-payer health care system has a number of advantag-"
The weird thing about this is that the same must apply to conversations you yourself are in, even though you don't notice it. There's something about being invested in a conversation, trying to come up with your own jokes and clever insights, that must distract you from how trite everything you're saying is, and you're generous enough with your friends to overlook the same missteps when they make them. Or you see but choose to ignore them, like laughing at your boss's jokes for the sake of professionalism.
Comstock Images/Stockbyte/Getty Images

#3. You'll Read a Ton More

I've always read, in the sense that I could find out what I wanted to watch on television hours in advance and could navigate train stations without having to resort to hand gestures. I'd even occasionally read books, rather a lot when I was a kid, but then trailing off to two or three a year by the time I became a grown-ass man whose cultural tastes leaned more toward modern artistic forms.
Polka Dot/Getty Images
"Yeah, video games used to be made mainly for 8-year-olds, but they're a lot more mature and dark now. Like for 14-year-olds at least."
Even the books I did read came from a pretty slim selection of genres. I'd typically find one science fiction or fantasy author I really liked and read everything he or she wrote, which I gather isn't an uncommon pattern for elbowy young men to fall in to.
Comstock/Stockbyte/Getty Images
Even if it did lead to my regrettable Star Wars novel phase.
But in the years since I started writing seriously, I've been reading a ton more, something like 15 to 20 books a year, of a much broader variety.
Comstock/Stockbyte/Getty Images
The main source for this newfound interest in reading is to see how different writers working in different formats do things. One of the most humbling experiences of learning to write (or learning anything, really) is how not easy any of it is, how every detail conceals thousands of smaller details. Now I'll read short stories and translated works and books that have crazy things like footnotes or subtext in them. (Which are totally different things, I was surprised to learn.) I've even reread a lot of those terrible books they made us read in school, and it turns out that a lot of them are actually really good and interesting and not boring at all like they'd taught us.
Jetta Productions/Digital Vision/Getty Images
This is basically the worst possible environment for instilling a love of literature.
A non-trivial side benefit of this is that it's super useful for getting references certain people like to drop in conversation.
Stockbyte/Getty Images
"AHAHAHHAHAHAHHAHAHHAA! GODOT! Hehe hehhe heh heh. Heh."
-seconds-long silence-
"I Godon't get it."

 

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