No one ever forgets the first time their body malfunctioned in some way they didn't even know was possible ("Why is my poop green?"). The body truly is miraculous in its ability to unleash new horrors when we least expect it.
Well, in the name of preparedness (and giving hypochondriacs something new to obsess over), we want to let you know that ...
#6. One Day, Your Face Might Cave In
Desherinka
If you have recurring nightmares of spontaneously transforming into a Batman villain without so much as a vat of acid to blame, have we got the thing for you. It's called Parry-Romberg syndrome, and it makes the skin and soft tissues of half of your face slowly cave in. Only half because, as Darwin so famously put it, "sometimes nature is a gaping asshole." (Also, sometimes we like to call ourselves "Darwin.")
Desherinka
If we catch this, we're totally telling everyone we got face-hammered by Thor.
Since caving half your face in isn't enough (obviously), Parry-Romberg syndrome also discolors the skin, sinks your eyeball back into your skull, and causes your jaw to stop opening properly. And some unlucky bastards experience additional side effects like migraines, seizures, and muscle spasms in the "lucky" half of their face. And we probably shouldn't have called them bastards just now, since it typically strikes teenage girls right in time for senior prom.
If the thing that disturbs you the most about Parry-Romberg syndrome is its asymmetricalness, then allow us to show you lipodystrophy. Lipodystrophy translates to "fat loss," which you'd normally think of as a good thing -- right up until you lose all of it. See, a nice layer of fat is what gives your face everything that makes it recognizable -- like cheeks, lips, and the lack of a tendency to cause neighborhood children to awaken in the middle of the night swimming in pools of terror pee.
Viegas, Diniz, et al.
"See you tonight, Li'l Jimmy!"
Lipodystrophy is a common side effect of powerful antiretroviral drugs, meaning that even after you've contracted HIV, the universe still isn't quite finished kicking you in the dick. Don't think you're safe from this condition by avoiding HIV, however: There are dozens of factors -- ranging from environmental triggers to your own sad, broken genes -- that could cause you to transmogrify into Skeletor without warning. On a related note ...
#5. You Can Suddenly Transform Into A Real-Life Smurf
Tyler Olson/Hemera/Getty Images
Argyria is what happens when a person gets a little too much colloidal silver into their system. See, much like Taco Bell nacho cheese sauce, silver is one of those substances that your body simply doesn't know what the hell to do with. But rather than making you crap out silver bars like a character from some second-rate children's fable, your body's solution is to stash it away in your skin, eyeballs, and mucus membranes and HOLY SHIT THIS GUY'S BLUE:
James Devaney/WireImage/Getty Images
Smurfing Smurf!
That's right: When enough silver builds up, you'll look like an extra in that James Cameron movie that the entire world watched and then promptly forgot about. And there's no going back once it sets in -- treatments for argyria are still in their infancy, so once you've got it, get ready for a lifetime of looking like a photo negative.
Herbert L. Fred, MD, Hendrik A. van Dijk
Also of assholes asking, "Why so blue?" and expecting laughter instead of a punch in the throat.
We know what you're thinking. "I'm not an old-timey silver miner, and I haven't swallowed any jewelry for, like, at least a year! This could never happen to me!" But you're only saying that because you don't realize that you're practically swimming in colloidal silver in your own home.
Trace Minerals Research
It's like a magic potion! Only shitty!
For the past few decades, colloidal silver has been touted as a true wonder of alternative medicine, with proponents claiming it cures everything from allergies to a chronic case of butt itch. It goes way beyond masses of uninformed Internet denizens gulping down snake oil, however -- the FDA officially disapproves of colloidal silver in medications, but due to its antimicrobial properties it finds its way into tons of everyday items, from socks to bandages to commercial eye drops.
Still, it takes a massive overdose of the stuff to activate Smurf Mode, so don't go gulping it down unless that's your goal. Like, if you need to be blue for a Comic-Con costume or something.
#4. Your Eyes Might Start Seeing Into The Past
Dedukh/iStock/Getty Images
This is the closest we can get to showing you what palinopsia is like: If you stare at this image for 30 seconds and then look away ...
Alberto Korda
"Viva teenage rebellion!"
... you'll be struck by a sudden urge to shop at Urban Outfitters while being pants-shittingly ignorant of history. But what if that afterimage that floated in front of your eye didn't fade away, instead lasting for days or even weeks? That, boys and girls, is palinopsia.
Palinopsia is an umbrella term for a laundry list of brain malfunctions that can cause afterimages to "stick." In one case, a 73-year-old man had an unknown brain tumor that was only discovered and treated after he turned and spoke to his wife ... who had left the room 15 minutes earlier. That's right, his eyes had given him a very specific and useless form of time travel.
Kim Carson/Photodisc/Getty Images
Unless he was looking at breasts when everything got stuck;
then it's a gift from the heavens.
How is that possible? Well, you really see with your brain, not your eyes -- and sometimes your brain loses its shit. For example, about 20 to 30 percent of people who lose their eyesight wind up having visual hallucinations later -- everything from random geometric shapes to complex animal scenes (imagine losing your sight, only to have to weave through a menagerie of random jungle animals whenever you leave the house).
It's called Charles Bonnet syndrome, named after a guy who, in the late 18th century, cataloged his grandfather's sightless visions of everything from buildings to birds. To be clear, he was otherwise mentally healthy -- that's typical of people who suffer from the disorder. It's not some sudden surge of crazy juice flowing through the brain that causes it, but rather the brain filling the information gaps that the eyes were always tasked with filling before -- similar to how an amputee might report sensations of a phantom limb.
Kim Carson/Photodisc/Getty Images
Once again, whether it's a blessing or a curse kind of depends
on what types of visions you've got in store.
Think of it like this: Your brain has an incessant hunger for input, and if it's not getting its fill from your now-defunct eyeballs, it'll simply make a stale snack of your memories "reassembled and scrambled in peculiar ways" -- meaning you could "see" anything from a beloved childhood pet to an ephemeral clone of yourself dancing the robot to "Pink Elephants On Parade."
And while we're on the subject ...
No comments:
Post a Comment