Much of human history is nothing more than a bunch of people falling for some bullshit a charismatic figure made up on the fly. If you want to trick the masses into war (or anything else), you just have to find out what they want to believe and feed it to them. And the sad part? It doesn't even have to be a good lie.
If you want proof, just look at some of the ridiculous bullshit that has altered the course of history ...
#5. A Bullshit Doomsday Prediction Sets Off The Third Crusade
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In 1184, an official looking letter made the rounds amongst Pope Clement III and other European notables. The letter's message was simple: the end was finally nigh. This was technically no big deal in the 12th century, as doomsday prophecies came and went like the rain. However, this letter came from the prestigious university in Toledo, Spain, and made use of the newfangled science of astrology. Plus, people were stupid back then.
Cristian Cortes/iStock/Getty Images
"Yup, that's God's handwriting all right. Can't fake that."
The grim letter described the imminent arrival of an alignment of the planets that would spell doom in the sky. The writings were oddly detailed about God's plan: Although the cataclysm would cause drought, famine, earthquakes, and disease all over the place, the areas most affected by divine destruction would be cities like Mecca and Baghdad, and scores of Muslims would convert to Christianity in desperation.
Now, when we say the letter was bullshit, we don't just mean the apocalypse stuff (if you're not familiar with the time period, we should note here that the apocalypse did not in fact occur). Although it may really have been sent from the university at Toledo, it was written under a fake name, following a pre-existing template that proved so popular that similar letters would appear throughout the Middle Ages. It was a lazy hoax by some random asshole.
ioshertz/iStock/Getty Images
it was basically the 4chan copypasta of the 12th Century.
Too bad the priests and noblemen weren't in on the joke.
The Result:
The Third Crusade.
The letter's message that God would finally step in to take non-Christians to task resonated heavily throughout Europe, which suddenly remembered it still had an ax to grind with the Muslims after the unmitigated disaster that had been Crusade 2: The Crusadening. As such, many notables clung to the letter's messages, and it ended up being one of the deciding factors that whipped up European nobility enough to have another crack at reclaiming Jerusalem. What could go wrong?
So the Third Crusade kicked off -- you know, the one where Orlando Bloom fights Saladin -- and proved successful enough for Europe to launch another six of them over the next century, resulting in immeasurable suffering and death.
Anonymus
The original example of a poorly thought-out trilogy leading to a bunch of shitty spinoffs and sequels.
Thanks, random dickhead in Toledo!
#4. The Kingdom of Saguenay: The Scam That Made Canada
J.E. Laughlin
Here's the short version of how Canada came to be: A Native American chief bullshitted a bunch of gullible idiots and got an all-expenses paid trip around the world.
Here's the longer version: During his second voyage to the newly discovered land of Canada in 1535, French explorer Jacques Cartier reached a small Indian village in what we know as Quebec. Donnacona, the chief of the tribe, told Cartier of Saguenay, a mystical kingdom to the north that was absurdly rich in gold and other valuables, and for some reason populated by a bunch of people who spent their days hopping around on their one massive leg. He also told them of another tribe of folks that didn't have butts at all because at that point, Donnacona was clearly just throwing random words at the wall to see what stuck.
Napoleon Sarony
"So you said the boob-headed monkeys are this way?"
Somehow, Cartier swallowed the stories hook, line, and sinker, and decided to ask the chieftain to come with him to France. Donnacona gleefully accepted, and was soon presented at the court of King Francis I. The chieftain repeated his stories, everyone once again took them seriously, and hilarity ensued.
The Result:
The colonization of Canada.
France had previously held the snowy land in little value, as it was extremely barren and inhospitable compared to their plantations in the southern Americas (Cartier had only been able to get his voyage there sponsored by the crown because he was trying to find a shortcut between Europe and Asia). However, the idea of Saguenay enticed the king, and the thought of owning a magical, gem-laden kingdom where no-butt folks roam free range pulled his focus from his Asian trade ambitions.
Jean Clouet
"Oh, my foot fetish had me pulling more than just that."
The brunt of the Colonize Canada Project fell on the shoulders of Jean-Francois Roberval, who was sent out with a large colonization party that swiftly started freezing to death instead of finding the famed Saguenay. With their hopes of unlimited gold, assless people, and comfortable existence crushed, the first French settlers soon abandoned Canada as a miserable hellhole.
DC Productions/Digital Vision/Getty Images
"'Dear King Francis: Wish you were here! So much gold. Sincerely, Roberval & Crew'
"Alright, that should do it. Let's go to the Bahamas."
However, the seeds of colonization had been sowed, and five decades later the French finally went through with the plan.
As for the crafty chief who kick-started it all with his tall tales? Donnacona remained a guest of the royal court and enjoyed all the fineries French noble life had to offer for the remainder of his life. We can't really complain about that -- if your stories are so good they're directly responsible for giving the world poutine, you probably deserve some fine wine and powdered wigs.
#3. A Prank Letter Causes An Invasion Of Europe
Sayf al-Vahidi
In the mid-12th century -- yes, around the same time as the apocalypse hoax above -- the emperor of Byzantine and a number of other powerful folks acquired copies of a letter from a mysterious man called Prester John. The writer claimed to be the king of an isolated, Asian-Christian nation surrounded by enemies of the faith (that is, Muslims). The letter described the Kingdom of Prester John as a place of utter opulence and lunacy where seaworthy emerald ships, seas made of gravel, and awesome magic fruits were par for the course. Oh, and ugly pig-men, massive dogs, and talking birds with human feet roamed the lands.
It was, as you can guess, a bunch of bullshit some joker just made up to fuck with them (nobody knows who exactly it was). Still, this was 1177, and the initial reaction was a combination of, "Holy shit, emerald ships!" and "This Christian king can help us fight off the heathens!" Let's just say people were ... less skeptical back then.
Unknown
"They need help. My best friend's sister's boyfriend's brother's girlfriend heard from this guy who knows
this kid who's going with the girl who saw Prester get jumped at 31 Flavors last night. I guess it's pretty serious."
The hype faded over the next 40 years or so, but then reports from the Fifth Crusade surfaced about a weird, massive army coming from the east, wiping out the Saracens around Persia. "Holy shit, it's true!" They said. "It's Prester John! Or, like, his son! Or Grandson! Or something!"
The good news for Europe's Christians: There indeed was a veritable horde of soldiers tearing through the enemies of Christianity. The bad news: The rumored Prester John Jr. was none other than Genghis fucking Khan.
Steffen Wurzel/Wiki Commons
The name change was certainly lucrative for his future career as a giant statue.
The Result:
The Mongols could waltz into Europe when and how they damn well liked. We suppose the Europeans couldn't have done much to stop them -- this was goddamned Genghis Khan here -- but because of the Khan's association with the Prester John legend, few people in Europe saw Mongols as the unstoppable rapin' and pillagin' force that they were, instead reporting their antics as Prester John's holy crusade to crush the heathens. They literally didn't realize the rampaging army wasn't the Christian king coming to rescue them until it smashed through Catholic countries like Poland and Hungary and showed up at their gate.
Bill Taroli/Wiki Commons
"Hey Prester, the Muslims are over there! ... Uh ... Prester?"
Chances are we'd all be speaking Mongol today if Genghis' son and successor, Odegei, hadn't suffered a fatal heart attack at a strategically vital moment and forced the Mongols to cease their invasion.
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